X-POSITION: Phoenix, Upstarts & More Tear Up Bowers & Sims' "X-Men '92"
There are a lot of cool comic book blogs out there (see our sidebar for a list of a bunch of them), but I guess it is hard to pick which ones you think you’d like to read. So each week, I will feature a guest entry by a really cool comic blogger, and you all can then check out that comic blog after you see how cool they are from their guest bit. Today’s entry is a bit different, in that it is not really a comic BLOG, but rather, a comic book website, but, hey, I say close enough! Today’s guest is Sean Whitmore, who has this wickedly funny comic book parody site called Fanboy Productions.
For a glimpse of Sean’s particular brand of humor, Sean is providing us with his take on what a day in the life of Joe Quesada must be like, as Joe calls and checks in with some notable comic book creators.
IT WASN’T ALL HIS FAULT
You think it’s easy being Joe Quesada?
Running a corporation responsible for making thousands of publications and representing some of the most well-known and well-loved characters in the world?
Like hell it’s easy!
Joe gets a lot of shit for the problems that Marvel has, and I say, it ain’t fair. It’s not all his fault!
I mean, just look at some of the crap he has to put up with on a regular basis!
Did you know that every couple of months, Joe personally calls each of his writers and artists to determine the status of our favorite comics and make sure everything is running as smoothly as can be?
Well he DOES, godamnit, and here is a transcription of one of these “state of the union” telephone sessions from a few short months ago.
JQ: “Hey, Reggie!”
RH: “Good morning, Joe.”
JQ: “I’ve got your treatment for the next year of Black Panther stories, and frankly, I have a few concerns.”
JQ: “While I really appreciate the new style you’re bringing to the series…well…he’s acting a little Mary Sueish. In the span of a few issues he marries Storm after a 10-second courtship, beats up Doctor Doom while claiming to be better at building armor, then he goes to Attilan and kicks Black Bolt’s ass–”
RH: “What is your point, Joe?”
JQ: “It’s not good drama, Reg. You just have him beating everybody. ALL the time. Even Galactus. And every single bad guy is a racist. Including Galactus. Galactus doesn’t see race, Reggie, he’s 100 feet tall. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the Panther is a tough, smart dude, but all this pontificating and being smarter and better than everyone is–”
RH: “So how bout I just have him fetch coffee, hm?”
JQ: “I’m sorry?”
RH: “Yeah, you sorry. I’ll have the king of an African nation steppin’ around the Avengers Mansion and fetchin’ coffee for the white heroes.”
RH: “In fact, why don’t I quit writing altogether so I can become your personal assistant and bring YOU coffee? Would you like that? Huh? BOSS?”
JQ: “Now, look–”
RH: “WHY DO YOU FEAR US?!”
JQ: “…everything looks great, Reg. Really top-notch stuff.”
JQ: “Judd, I just wanna say what a pleasure it is to have you back at Marvel.
JW: “Great to be back, Joe!”
JQ: “So listen, we’re bringing Thor back. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
JW: “Oh, definitely! I LOVE Thor! I’ve read his book for years!”
JQ: “Great, sounds like a perfect fit.”
JW: “I would wanna tone it down a little bit, though.”
JQ: “Excuse me?”
JW: “Y’know, all that kiddy fantasy stuff. The rainbow and all those Viking dudes speaking Shakespeare.
JQ: “I…well, I always thought it was kinda whimsical and fun.”
JW: “Yeah, whimsy, that’s the word. Get rid of the whimsy. I want real dark magick here. Y’know, ‘magic’ with a K, like in a Vertigo book. Child kidnapping and virgin blood sacrifices and giant frogs…”
JQ: “Oh, y’know, Simonson did some Thor stuff with frogs.”
JW: “Yeah, like that, but without all the bullshit. I mean, like, dead fucking serious frog monsters, eating people and shit.”
JQ: “Judd, are you sure you wouldn’t rather be writing one of our MAX books?”
JW: “No way, I’m all about the super heroes.”
JQ: “Warren? I can barely hear you over this connection.”
WE: “Speak up…ye bloody…arse pocket…”
JQ: “Are you calling from a pub on one of those tiny little phones again?”
WE: “Sonic monkeys! Sonic fucking…monkey with AIDS. Monkey touches you, and you…die. Get super-herpes and die. You don’t scare me. I get…I get my ideas from my beard.”
JQ: “Uh-huh…so, anyway, Nextwave is really making a big splash, and I was thinking–”
WE: “MY BEARD EATS MONSTERS!”
JQ: “…I was thinking that now would be a good time for you to branch out, become better-known among the young audiences, maybe get you on a real high profile book. Now, I know you’re not overly fond of super hero stories, but–”
WE: “I HATE super heroes! I fucking hate ‘em! I hate their stupid bloody costumes, their poncey capes, the stupid sodding way they friggin’ pontificate when they speak…all they do is fly around and punch other arseholes wearing body condoms…all rubbish.”
JQ: “I just had a writer fall through. How would you like to write Thor for us?”
WE: “YES! FUCK YES, I want to write Thor! I want to write it so goddamn much! LET ME WRITE THOR, YOU GIT!”
JQ: “You got it, Warren.”
WE: “I’LL WRITE IT WITH MY FUCKING TEETH I WILL!”
JQ: “You got any artists in mind you’d like to work with?”
WE: “I will lick the images onto the page with my big British tongue! Thooooor, I’ll say. Mighty Thooooooooooor! As I lick.”
JQ: “Wait a minute, isn’t it, like, 3am in England?”
JQ: “Hiya, John. I got in the pencils for the next Astonishing, and they look fantastic, just fantastic.”
JC: “Well that’s great, Joe, thanks.”
JQ: “I just have one eensy tiny little request.”
JC: “Anything. Go ahead, shoot.”
JQ: “Could you draw a little faster, maybe?”
JQ: “Fuck. Really?”
JC: “No chance.”
JQ: “…all right, I’ll talk to you in a couple of months.”
JQ: “Damon, what the hell? I sent the Marvel jet to bring you to New York over a month ago? Where the hell are you, man?”
DL: “The fucking jet went down, you asshole! You didn’t fill it with enough gas to make a runway trip, you cheap sonofabitch! I’m stuck on a raft in the middle of the goddamn ocean, the pilot’s dead, I have no supplies, my cell phone is on its last bar, and nobody knows where I am!!!”
JQ: “Wow, that irony’s a bitch, ain’t it?”
DL: “Save me, you evil bastard!”
JQ: “Now Damon, don’t worry. We’ll run the two issues you finished already, and I promise we won’t replace you on the rest of the series. You just start paddling, and work will be waiting for you when you get back.”
JQ: “I’m so glad you’ve given us the chance to settle our differences, John.”
JB: “Yes, well, it was a long time ago. And frankly, I could use some of the buzz from working on a hot new series.”
JQ: “Believe me, anything you work on for us is gonna have loads of buzz. In fact…pick anything. Any character, any idea for a series, you got it.”
JB: “Fantastic. Then I want to pick up where I left off…X-Men The Hidden Years.”
JQ: “Uh…crap, I’m sorry, John, but that’s a no-go. We’ve got this new kid working on a project called X-Men First Class. But seriously, anything else–”
JB: “I HOPE YOU DIE! YOU SHOULD ONLY GET CANCER AND DIE! THE ENTIRE CITY YOU LIVE IN SHOULD BE RAZED TO THE GROUND! I WANT YOU TO DIE SO GODDAMN BAD! THE RATS WILL DANCE IN YOUR CHILDREN’S BONES AND I WILL LAUGH, YOU UNBELIEVABLE BASTARD! WHY WON’T YOU EVER DIE?!”
JQ: “So some more Namor is out of the question?”
JQ: “Long time no see, Bill.”
BJ: “Joe! Oh, God! Oh, God, I’m so glad to hear from you! You gotta get me back in, Joe! You gotta get me back into Marvel!”
JQ: “Well gee, I’d…I’d really like to, Bill, but…well…people still remember who you are.”
BJ: “……..oh…..yes…I can see how that would be a problem.”
JQ: “Fans have short memories these days, Bill. Maybe next year.”
BJ: “Yes…yes…maybe next year…always maybe next year…”
JQ: “Fabe, how are ya?”
FN: “Hi, Joe! You calling about those Thunderbolts and Cable & Deadpool scripts I sent you?”
JQ: “What? Oh, no, didn’t read them. Listen, I was reading the message boards and there appear to be some continuity conflicts in your books. We’re already using Purple Man and we killed off Baron Strucker, so you’re gonna have to explain away their appearance in your book.”
JQ: “And we’re also gonna be needing Carol Danvers and Henry Pym back, so go ahead and write them out. Oh, and we’re bringing Apocalypse back in a couple weeks, so you’re gonna want to work him into X-Force.”
FN: “I…I don’t write X-Force, it’s Cable–”
JQ: “Yeah, however you do it is okay by me. I have complete faith in you.”
(I didn’t say it was NEVER his fault)
Brian Michael Bendis & Mike Oeming
JQ: “Hey, guys.”
BMB and MO: “Hey, Joe.”
JQ: “Great work on everything, Brian. New Avengers is a blockbuster, and Ultimate Spider-Man is as good as it ever was.”
BMB: “Thanks for saying so, Joe. What do I owe you for that?”
JQ: “Ha, ha!”
BMB: “Yeah. Yeah, I’m funny.”
JQ: “Okay, Mike, now it’s time for the dream project you’ve been bugging me for since you started working here. I think it’s finally time to reintroduce: Alpha Flight.”
MO: “All right!”
BMB: “Ooh, no go, Joey. I’m killing them all.”
BMB: “Yeah, in the next New Avengers arc.”
JQ: “Why…why Alpha Flight, Brian?”
BMB: “Because Alpha Flight sucks. Nobody likes Alpha Flight.”
MO: “I…what? I like Alpha Flight!”
BMB: “Why? They’re dead.”
MO: “Did…did they at least go out heroically?”
BMB: “Sure, sure. They all heroically died off-panel.”
JQ: “Oh, well, if the actual fight was off-panel, we can always say that some of them survived, right?”
BMB: “Hahahaha! Not the way I wrote that fucking script!”
MO: “You had to kill them all? Even Puck?”
BMB: “Especially Puck. He’s fucking dead three times.”
JQ: “Well, I mean, it IS comics. There’s always ways to get around that. Resurrection, time travel, cloning…”
BMB: “It’s a moot point, Joe. I’ll just kill them again when they come back.”
JQ: “Brian, don’t you think you might be getting a little kill-happy with the second string characters?”
BMB: “Oh, I’m sorry, Joe. My mistake. I thought you wanted your books to sell thousands and thousands of copies. Because that’s what my books do. They sell. But, hey, you’re the boss, you know best. I’ll bring Alpha Flight back and watch sales plummet to Spider-Girl levels.”
JQ: “…..so listen, Mike, new idea…Omega Flight.”
Ah, but that’s a conversation that we’ll have to get back to next time!
Be back here next time for “From Alpha to Omega: The Story Behind That 4th Alpha Flight Book”
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