GIANT-SIZE X-POSITION: Lemire Launches "Extraordinary X-Men" - Part 1
There are a lot of cool comic book blogs out there (see our sidebar for a list of a bunch of them), but I guess it is hard to pick which ones you think you’d like to read. So each week, I will feature a guest entry by a really cool comic blogger, and you all can then check out that comic blog after you see how cool they are from their guest bit.
Today’s entry comes from John Lewis, who has a blog called Fast Food and Sitcoms, which really doesn’t sound like much of a comic book blog (as it wasn’t always about comics), but for the past couple of weeks (and he intends to keep doing it daily), John has been doing humorous summaries/reviews of, in his words, “crap comics” that he had in his collection. His summaries amused me, so I figured it may amuse some of you folks, too.
Here is John’s take on Superman: The Wedding Album.
Believe it or not, the TV show wasn’t responsible for the wedding of Lois and Clark. Actually, that’s not completely true. It seems they were to be married in the comics, but the TV show made them hold off until they were ready.
I remember when this came up in 1996, I read in an interview (with Dan Jurgens, I believe) that said they weren’t going to turn the Superman books into Mad About You. Well, let me tell you this comic appears to be written by someone who’s only previous writing experience was Mad About You fan-fic. I swear, aside from the very limited superhero-y antics, you can replace the names Lois and Clark with Jamie and Paul. I promise you all the sitcom marriage cliches are there.
It’s a shame really cause some of these writers I really like. I think the crappiness came from too much editorial involment and too many cooks in the kitchen. Judge for yourself.
Superman: The Wedding Album #1
Written by Dan Jugens, Karl Kessel, David Micheline, Louise Simonson, and Roger Stern.
Pencils by too many to list
The story opens with a background-less half splash (the other half is taking up by the massive fucking credits) with Lois Lane in a wedding dress. The next page reveals that we’ve been dupped. It’s not Clark Kent she’s going to marry, but some foreign druglord. Lois, say it ain’t so.
A visit by the Exposition Fairy lets us know that Lois was investigating this druglord, Naga. When he caught on to her, she convinced him to marry her. (I know it doesn’t make any sense, but just go with me here) They’re flying back to Metroplis on a private jet, using the wedding cake to hide a shitload of heroin. (I know it doesn’t make any sense, but just go with me here) Lois uses the cork from the champagne bottle to take out Naga and his henchmen. (I know it doesn’t make any sense, but just go with me here) All the while she’s spewing puns that remind me of the opening fifteen minutes of Batman & Robin.
Naga: “Treacherous woman! You thought you had what it takes to defeat Naga?”
Lois: “Not just thought-I DO!”
Naga lands in the wedding cake.
Lois: “In fact, it was cake-in this case, one that was filled with a
couple hundred pounds of heroin! And the only tiers dropped were the ones I knocked over with my magnum! Let’s see Dirty Harry do that-in a wedding dress!”
She then pages the pilot who is completely unaware of the commotion in the back of the jet. Lois throws the smack down when he comes through the door. The shitty puns keep coming.
Lois: “Now, I certainly hope you and I don’t have irreconcilable differences, Captain, because I have a gun, a knife, and champagne…and I know how to use all three!”
Holy fuck! Where’s Peter David when you need him?
Back in Metropolis, Clark is managing editor of the Daily Planet while Perry White is going through cancer treatment. He bitches at his underlings to find Lois Lane. Apparently, she needed time off and her own space. Clark can’t go find her cause he’s scared he’ll push her further away. Also he lost his superpowers after the events of Final Night. So, he can’t fly around and go look for her.
Lois comes through the Planet newsroom in her tatered wedding dress. The have a fight that fills Lois and the reader in on everything I told you above. She finds the old engagement ring in Clark’s pocket. He’s been carrying it around like a stalker ever since they broke up. They agreed to get married.
Let the wedding preparation begin.
Clark and Pa Kent need to go tux shopping. Jimmy Olsen calls, he’s working a newsanchor now, and offers to be the wedding photographer. Clark declines, saying it’s much too menial for some bigshot like Jimmy. This makes Jimmy sad, and he thinks Clarks mocking him.
Lois and her mom are bitching about different aspects of the wedding. Her moms being an overwhleming cast iron bitch. (“Tell me why; I love you like I do”) Lois’s sister tries to play peacekeeper. Ma Kent shows up to get Lois out of the house for her surprise bridal shower. (“Tell me who can stop my heart; as much as you”)
Lois’s dad is all pissy and crusty because he thinks Clark broke his little girl’s heart back when they broke up, not realizing it was Lois that asked for some space. (“Tell me all your secrets, and I’ll tell you most of mine”) Lois’s sister and mom tell him he should go tux shopping with Pa and Clark. He say’s he’ll do it in a while cause he has some manly work to do around the house.
Lane Sister: “Then you’re gonna, like, stick around for a while…?
…be here when the girl’s show up for Lois’s surprise bridal shower.”
Lois’s Dad (completely befuddled): “Bridal shower? But I, uh…was just gonna, um…I’ll get my jacket.”
(“They say nobody’s perfect, well, that’s really true this time; I don’t have the answers”)
So, Pa, Kent, and Lois’s dad are all tux shopping. Lois’s dad is being a doucebag. And it looks like they’re all gonna get stuck with powder blue ruffled shirt tuxes, but at the last moment it’s revealed that those are just models to try-on. The real tuxes are quite swanky. (“I don’t have a plan; All I have is you”)
Back to Lois, her sister’s theme for the bridal shower is “domestic bliss” The first present she opens is a crock pot. This concerns street-smart, uber-independent, modern, liberated, feminist Lois. Can she be married and hold onto her career at the same time? What about her individuality? What about her very soul? Okay, I made the last one up. Is she supposed to now play the role of happy housewife and nothing else? (“So darling, help me understand; (What we do) – you can whisper in my ear”)
Now, it’s time to pick out Lois’s wedding dress. They all suck, but each bad choice appeals to someone in her family or one of her friends. One of her fashion forward friends does some impromptu sketches, and they’re “perfect.” According to Lois. (“(Where we go) – who knows what happens after here; Let’s take each other’s hand as we jump”)
Now, the real stupidity comes in a scene that just bites my ass. Lois’s engagement ring is the one Pa gave to Ma way back in the day, which is fine. That’s a rather common tradition. The Exposition Fairy (who pretty much tells the entire story) tells us that Pa made a trip from Smallville to Metropolis to get Harry Winston himself to design the ring. What the fuck? How could a small family farmer afford such a thing? That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway, I wanna speed through this especially horrible part as quickly as possible, Clark takes the ring to Ronald Winston, Harry’s son, to get the inside of the diamond engraved. “To Lois, Love, Clark.” He then asks for a S-shield to be engraved along with it. Nothing like defacing a precious family heirloom. Then you found out that the inscription can only be seen with a hundred-power microscope. What the fuck was the point then? Ugh.
Then we join Lois apartment hunting. They all suck, except for one that has a several year waiting list. (“into the Final Frontier”) Lois meets up with Maggie Somebody, the lesbian head of the Special Crimes Unit. Lois tells her about the apartment hunting woes, and Maggie says she knows of a place that would be perfect. We get a flashback of how the place became available. There was a fire…Superman saved everyone.
The apartment in question is atop of Bibbo’s (one of the stupidest Superman supporting characters ever) bar. What a minute. She’s showing her a burnt down apartment in Suicide Slum? Honestly, this whole sequence was only included so they could insert pages drawn by then recently deceased Curt Swan. Still you’d think they’d find a better way to go about it. Lois turns down the apartment.
Clark walks the streets of Metroplis and witnesses a jewelry store heist. Without his powers, Clark does what he can to stop the robber. Maxima shows up and finishes the guy off. She’s trying to get Superman to mate with her. He reveals to her he doesn’t have his superpowers anymore. She’s mortified she offered herself to a mere human. Superman is grateful to have her out of his hair.
Pa Kent and Perry White are talking. Perry thanks Pa for convincing him to give up smoking. Even though he does have lung cancer, it coulda be a lot worst. (That’s right, kids. Smoking is bad and causes several heart and respiratory diseases. And that’s one to grow on…)
Bibbo has thrown Clark a bachelor party at his bar. Some hijinx that’s not worth talking about ensues. Jimmy’s still being a whinny bitch about not being allowed to take the wedding photos. Lois is having a party and given sexy lingerie. There are several PG sex jokes made. (“I’m mad about you baby”) Some dudes hit on them, and the girls beat them up.
Superman’s still walking around, and he sees Naga and his henchmen. They’ve escaped. Superman jumps into battle even though he has no powers. Superman beats them up, and at one point, I promise you I’m not making this up, uses a garbage can lid to shield himself from a bullet. Cousin Ira…uh…I mean Batman shows up to finish off the baddies. He and Superman have a heart to heart about marriage. Batman tells him to enjoy his honeymoon; Metropolis will be protected. He snaps his fingers and all the players in the DCU do a fly-by. (lame) Also, the apartment with the waiting list is owned by Wayne Enterprises. He’ll be bumping them up the list.
Clark changes and heads to his bachelor party. Jimmy’s sulking, and Clark tells him the reason he can’t be photographer is because he can’t take pictures and be the best man. Jimmy creams his pants.
Lois’s dad blows up at Clark at the rehearsal dinner (Wait. How’d we go from bachelor party to reversal dinner? The was a horrible transition. Yeah, it was the same in the comic) Lois tells her dad it was her decision not to be given away, and Clark had nothing to do with it. Her dad storm’s out saying he’s not coming to the wedding.
The wedding day arrives. Jimmy’s videotaping the whole thing, using some form of closed circuit TV. Lex Luthor has tapped into the feed, and has a nonsensical, maniacal, inner monologue. Mr. Mxyzptlk shows up for no reason and does nothing.
The wedding goes off without a hitch (except for the one between Lois and Clark—ahhh! See what the shitty wedding puns in the beginning did to me!) Lois’s dad shows up (“Mad About You…”) and everyone lives happily ever after.
After that detailed synopsis, I have no energy to give any equally detailed opinion. I think we can all easily see this comic sucked the dicks of small woodland creatures*.
As always…be back tomorrow to see what I pull out of my ass…I mean my long box next.
*Sucking the dicks of small woodland creatures or the relation of small woodland creatures and fellatio is Â© & â„¢ Matthew Butcher. All rights reserved.
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