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A Fred Van Lente Interview…on Fred Van Lente Day!!!

It’s a Fred Van Lente Day miracle!! An interview between yours truly and the man, the myth, the legend, Fred Van Lente himself!!

But do not worry, folks, I was not dazzled by his greatness too much. I asked the tough questions (and okay, special secret question contributor Mer asked two – but I won’t tell you which two were hers, on the extremely off chance you like hers better than mine)!!

Enjoy!

1. Could you please make it clear – did you spring forth from Zeus’ forehead or his leg? I have read conflicting reports, and I would like to finally put this to rest.

How do these wild rumors get started? I blame the media. To be clear:

Zeus sprang from _my_ forehead.

2. When you see that someone is unfamiliar with your work, does it make you feel enraged (which is how I react), or do you just feel sorry for the person in question?

I vomit. But, fortunately, usually not until I get home.

3. What’s the nicest present that you have received on Fred Van Lente day? How about the nicest present that you gave?

I generally find that giving myself is the greatest gift I could possibly give.

Though it can be embarrassing when I get “re-gifted.”

4. Don’t you often find the English dictionary to be lacking in superlatives to describe your work? I often find myself having to invent new words to fully describe the magnitude of your greatness, and it must be even more frustrating for you, personally.

My preference is “Fredilicious.”

5. Is there any progress with The Gideons on getting Action Philosophers Vol. 1 placed inside hotels throughout the country? They were dragging their feets last time I checked.

No, no progress, and Ryan and I have decided to retaliate by arranging to have Action Philosophy Vol. 1 be placed in the master bedroom of every Gideon household in the country.

6. Why doesn’t anyone else in my neighborhood sing Van Lente Day carols?

Do you live in a heavily Gideon neighborhood?

7. Because we all know they flock to you, how many muses, on average, do you need to fend off each day? How much force do you end up needing to use?

Unfortunately, due to accusations of “inappropriate touching,” most of the muses have taken out restraining orders against me. So I’ve been reduced to combing through old Gold Key comics to steal ideas.

8. How comforting is it knowing that you’ve already achieved a sort of immortality through your oeuvre of genius? Seems a lot less messier than procreation.

I can only quote Woody Allen, that I would prefer to achieve immortality through not dying.

9. Do the writers of the other Spider-Man titles send you hate mail for making their work seem so pedestrian in comparison?

No, but only because I’ve sent _them_ hate mail that would make their hate mail seem pedestrian in comparison.

10. Do you have someone take your scripts and dumb them down before you send them to the artists you work with, so as to not dazzle the artists with your brilliance so much that they will be unable to draw the issue in a timely fashion?

Actually, I don’t write scripts. The artists work from stick-figure layouts I provide, painted with my own bodily fluids.

Did you know that’s how Lee and Kirby used to work?

4 Comments

Dear Mr. Cronin,

You have done me a great service. Until today, I was ignorant of Van Lente Day. So ignorant in fact I did not realize the hole in my soul! And I was wondering what the f*ck you were going on about the other day, when you posted “only X days till Van Lente Day!” But now I can join all you other happy converts. That Cthulhu Tract was amusing (even to someone like me with only the most cursory knowledge of Lovecraft), and Rightwing is a riot! Many thanks, my good man.

Sincerely,
Rebis
(What’s the hempaphrodite honorific? If I’m neither Ms. nor Mr., I am … ???)

Yikes. My spelling above of “hermaphrodite” was sad, indeed.

Shoot. I thought I was replying to Aliens vs. Cowboys.

But that was actually pretty brilliant.

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