EXCLUSIVE: Battleworld Gets Dangerous in Marvel's July 2015 Solicitations
It’s– pretty much exactly who you’d expect. With some exceptions. So, it’s still worth reading possibly. Definitely maybe!
50%- DC Completists who buy all the comics related to their big events no matter what
“This applies to pretty much all of our books, though,” DC’s Chief Executive Guy of Unbelievable Importance* Dan Didio said.
“Our diehard fans will pretty much buy anything we put out that’s tied in to the epic we’ve been weaving through the fabric of the DC Universe these last few years to create a rich tapestry,” Didio went on to say. “Even comics we’re just publishing to insult them,” he exclaimed, referring to controversial stories like All Star Batman and Robin, the Black Canary/Green Arrow Wedding Special, and the upcoming Countdown To Hey, Hardcore DC Fans: You Are Really Dumb and Ugly, And You Also Most Likely Smell Terrible maxi-series.
Didio went on to add even more shockingly honest, yet also completely unsolicited and unneccessary candor about his company’s fanbase.
“Deep in my heart of hearts, I hate these people and their mindless consumerism. They cheapen every attempt at doing something meaningful in this medium. They are awful, awful people. I loathe them.”
Didio then realized that he was talking about the people who support his company ardently and whose support of his current direction for DC are the only thing keeping him from going back to his old life as Bob Dylan’s personal harmonica washer**, looked around nervously for a moment, emmitted what was either a really forced laugh or a soft scream, and then said “I mean, the people who are like that with Marvel! I hate them with a passion! Our fans are the salt of the Earth! I mean, they at least have the patience of a saint to stay with this turd in hopes it will get good some day!” And then he nervously said he had to go to the bathroom and ran out of the room. He never came back. Must’ve had Thai food the night before.
15%- People who obsessed with the idea of Countdowns who compulsively buy anything featuring them
This is a serious medical problem that DC decided to exploit by naming the series this instead of going with the original title, 52 Weeks of setup for the next story, which will also probably be setup for something else, which, while accurate, was deemed to long a title to be commerically viable. Or fit on a cover. “I mean, the mock up alone killed five graphic designers,” Bob Wayne said. “Thankfully, they were juust Indians. Oustourcing rules!”
In a related story, whoever’s in charge of Virgin Comics was really angry to learn they didn’t have a monopoly on Indian people in comics.
10%- Bloggers who buy it to make fun of it
Didio ran back in from the bathroom. I know I said he didn’t come back, just go with it; it should be patently obvious by now that I make this stuff up as I go along.
Anyway, Didio ran back in with his pants around his ankles to say clarify something.
“You know how I said I hate our fans– I mean Marvel’s? I hate bloggers and their ‘snark’ more. It’s the lowest form of wit. And they’re lowest form of human beings. That said, I’m still going to send the more prominent ones comp copies of random first issues. Also, on a somewhat related note, I hate the Snorks. I’m going to see if Geoff can have Black Adam disembowel them in the next story arc of JSA. Holy crap, I have real anger issues,” the pantsless Didio said before leaving again.
15%- People who always wanted to like Mary Marvel, but thought she wasn’t slutty enough
“It’s always nice to be able to help people realize their dreams,” head Countdown writer Paul Dini said, adding “um, my being involved in all of this doesn’t invalidate my work on Batman: the Animated Series, does it?***”
9%- People who want to support the weekly comic, and are at least glad that this one isn’t a black and white Chuck Austen comic.
1%- People who genuinely enjoy the series. And by 1%, I mean one person. And not this guy.
“Don’t look at me,” that guy said.
The indentity and whereabouts of this sole happy reader are unknown, but authroities advise the public to be on the lookout. He (because, come one, statistically it can’t be a she) may be armed, dangerous, and without a doubt has terrible taste in comic.
“Whatever you do,” Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary and head of the Good Comics Taskforce, Joe McCullough, issued the following statement:
Whatever you do, if this person reccomends Spawn/Wild C.A.T.S to you, don’t read it, just call the police!
He went on to talk a whole lot about manga. Like, for an hour. You don’t need to read any of that.
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