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DC reveals the complete demographics on the people still buying Countdown (Parody)

It’s– pretty much exactly who you’d expect. With some exceptions. So, it’s still worth reading possibly. Definitely maybe!

50%- DC Completists who buy all the comics related to their big events no matter what

“This applies to pretty much all of our books, though,” DC’s Chief Executive Guy of Unbelievable Importance* Dan Didio said.

“Our diehard fans will pretty much buy anything we put out that’s tied in to the epic we’ve been weaving through the fabric of the DC Universe these last few years to create a rich tapestry,” Didio went on to say. “Even comics we’re just publishing to insult them,” he exclaimed, referring to controversial stories like All Star Batman and Robin, the Black Canary/Green Arrow Wedding Special, and the upcoming Countdown To Hey, Hardcore DC Fans: You Are Really Dumb and Ugly, And You Also Most Likely Smell Terrible maxi-series.

Didio went on to add even more shockingly honest, yet also completely unsolicited and unneccessary candor about his company’s fanbase.

“Deep in my heart of hearts, I hate these people and their mindless consumerism. They cheapen every attempt at doing something meaningful in this medium. They are awful, awful people. I loathe them.”

Didio then realized that he was talking about the people who support his company ardently and whose support of his current direction for DC are the only thing keeping him from going back to his old life as Bob Dylan’s personal harmonica washer**, looked around nervously for a moment, emmitted what was either a really forced laugh or a soft scream, and then said “I mean, the people who are like that with Marvel! I hate them with a passion! Our fans are the salt of the Earth! I mean, they at least have the patience of a saint to stay with this turd in hopes it will get good some day!” And then he nervously said he had to go to the bathroom and ran out of the room. He never came back. Must’ve had Thai food the night before.

15%- People who obsessed with the idea of Countdowns who compulsively buy anything featuring them

This is a serious medical problem that DC decided to exploit by naming the series this instead of going with the original title, 52 Weeks of setup for the next story, which will also probably be setup for something else, which, while accurate, was deemed to long a title to be commerically viable. Or fit on a cover. “I mean, the mock up alone killed five graphic designers,” Bob Wayne said. “Thankfully, they were juust Indians. Oustourcing rules!”

In a related story, whoever’s in charge of Virgin Comics was really angry to learn they didn’t have a monopoly on Indian people in comics.

10%- Bloggers who buy it to make fun of it

Didio ran back in from the bathroom. I know I said he didn’t come back, just go with it; it should be patently obvious by now that I make this stuff up as I go along.

Anyway, Didio ran back in with his pants around his ankles to say clarify something.

“You know how I said I hate our fans– I mean Marvel’s? I hate bloggers and their ‘snark’ more. It’s the lowest form of wit. And they’re lowest form of human beings. That said, I’m still going to send the more prominent ones comp copies of random first issues. Also, on a somewhat related note, I hate the Snorks. I’m going to see if Geoff can have Black Adam disembowel them in the next story arc of JSA. Holy crap, I have real anger issues,” the pantsless Didio said before leaving again.

15%- People who always wanted to like Mary Marvel, but thought she wasn’t slutty enough

“It’s always nice to be able to help people realize their dreams,” head Countdown writer Paul Dini said, adding “um, my being involved in all of this doesn’t invalidate my work on Batman: the Animated Series, does it?***”

9%- People who want to support the weekly comic, and are at least glad that this one isn’t a black and white Chuck Austen comic.

1%- People who genuinely enjoy the series. And by 1%, I mean one person. And not this guy.

“Don’t look at me,” that guy said.

The indentity and whereabouts of this sole happy reader are unknown, but authroities advise the public to be on the lookout. He (because, come one, statistically it can’t be a she) may be armed, dangerous, and without a doubt has terrible taste in comic.

“Whatever you do,” Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary and head of the Good Comics Taskforce, Joe McCullough, issued the following statement:

Whatever you do, if this person reccomends Spawn/Wild C.A.T.S to you, don’t read it, just call the police!

He went on to talk a whole lot about manga. Like, for an hour. You don’t need to read any of that.

53 Comments

If only it had Wolverine on the cover!

U.S. Warmachine was pretty good. I’d rather read 52 issues of that then Countdown.

So many asterisks, and no footnotes!

You tease!

Nice one. I love how some people are treating the current issue, apparently just a synopsis of what’s come before, as some kind of triumph.
-k-
(Not reading it, but kinda obsessively reading _about_ it. I just can’t look away from this train wreck!)

The latest issue is probably the best issue of the series, and you’re write KM, it’s literally just exposition, getting readers up to speed. How sad is that? So why was I supposed to buy the previous 25 issues again?

By the way, Countdown is the first comic I read every month, because I’m just the world’s #1 fan of anything to do with dudes who have bald heads and or cornrows.

Speaking of Monitors, why does each universe need their own specific Monitor if they all just hang out in the same big room all the time? None of them actually seem to Monitor anything other than what’s going on in Countdown, anyway. Plus, the ones that do talk all seem kinda dumb.

Brad, have you ever considered doing a full-blown parody site like the Onion? You should.

Mainly because I’ve always wanted to do it and I’m too lazy, so this is the only way it’ll get done.

People are saying the new Countdown was good? Really?!

It just might be the worst comic book I’ve ever read. Page after page of poorly-written recaps of comics I already hated once. Besides that, the whole point of the conversation doesn’t make any sense. They keep saying it’s time for them to act, but why? Nothing happens in Countdown. You can’t respond to nothing.

Yeah, I never understood why there’s a Monitor for each universe… Before the First Crisis, when there were infinite universes in the multiverse… they hade only one… Not an Infinity of Monitors…

But Having More Monitors is probably someone ideas of Pumping Up the Coolness to the Next Level… You know like “Hey what’s Scarier than Sinestro teaming up with another villian? Hey how about he teams up with people who each have an ungodly amount of power AND Sinestro gives them each a Sinestro rings?” I swear… DC Comics used to make sense, at least on a thematic level.

Sadly, my federal funding for paragraph breaks didn’t go through until early 2006…

(also, it’s ‘och’ instead of ‘ough’)

I bought most of the series last week at 50 cents per issue. I feel it’s good as a companion to the events going on in the DC books. Does this make me a rube?

The indentity and whereabouts of this sole happy reader…

This is a very minor point, but I’ve been seeing the word “indentity” a lot lately. Is it so hard to spell identity? Or was that another bit of satire?

When 52 came out I was thinking, “Wow, this was a cool idea.. and they’re pretty good at making it come out on time! Kudos, DC.” Then, when Countdown came out, it ruined any originality that 52 had for me. They’re clearly just over-exploiting a publishing technique and it’s really pretty low of them. That and it’s a terrible friggin comic.

Didio went on to add even more shockingly honest, yet also completely unsolicited and unneccessary candor about his company’s fanbase.

“Deep in my heart of hearts, I hate these people and their mindless consumerism. They cheapen every attempt at doing something meaningful in this medium. They are awful, awful people. I loathe them.”

Wait…so you imagine Didio as someone who deep down actually wants to do something meaningful in this medium, but is kept from doing so by the mindless fans? HahahahahahahaAHAHAHAH, that’s rich!

I don’t know.

I think that 1%; and by 1%, I mean that ONE GUY who you say “genuinely enjoys the series”, well… I think, he doesn’t really enjoy the series, but he’s afraid to admit it to himself and keeps hoping that “next week’s issue” will be the one that is actually good.

T,

I don’t think he’s actually saying that. It seemed to me as more along the lines of just another way to show how much DiDio hates his fans. But I could be wrong.

Jesse,

What I got from it was that Didio hates DC’s fans because they keep keep the company from doing meaningful work with their mindless consumerism. My impression of Didio is that he is even more mindless than the fanbase and has no desire to expand the medium through meaningful work. He just wants to make easy money. Like a drug dealer, he’s just trying to keep them hooked on junk.

If you’re not going to be funny, just write a critical essay about Countdown. This was terrible.

Hey! What’s wrong with ‘Spawn/WildCATs’? I loved that series! Yes, it’s Alan Moore slumming it, but it’s still Alan Moore! “I would never try to intimidate you. I have people for that.” And a great twist at the end.

Countdown, on the other hand, sucks donkey hooves.

I don’t get why Didio gets pegged as the bad guy here nor why Quesada gets it either. We are reading far superior comics than the 90s crap. But I would definitely put Countdown in the 90s crap pile

Send the bum back to children’s animation, just keep him away from Transformers! I still have Beast Machines flashbacks… the horror of it all…

Brad, have you ever considered doing a full-blown parody site like the Onion? You should.

At the least, I think his parody press releases deserve their own category here at CSBG. Besides the more or less non-stop yuks, I learn more from one of them than an hour spent on, say, Newsarama.

I fully intend to pick up every issue of Countdown…from the quarter bin. We have a comic book show coming up next weekend. I’ll be the guy with the stacks of recent comics in hand, chuckling as I buy hem for pennies on the dollar. I am tempted to drop all my comic purchases all together and just pick them up at cons from the quarter bins. screw waiting for the trades! twice a year we get a comic show. 96% of everything that is published is destined for the quarter bins.

Maybe it’s just me, but this just seems mean spirited. I get it, you don’t like Countdown. I didn’t like it either, but I wouldn’t go on to degrade the people working on it or the people who actually are enjoying it.

That being said, I’m really sick of the short-sighted complaints about how Didio hates his fans and Didio doesn’t want to further the medium. That’s just absurd. One, if you ever been to a con where Mr. Didio is in attendance, you’d notice that he loves the fans and loves talking with them about both the state of the medium and the ways in which he can further the medium. Not to mention, 52 is a surefire sign that he does want to further the medium with experimental and meaningful stories. What are people really expecting him to do, create comics that cure cancer?

Secondly, its equally absurd to continually place the blame of all the things you hate about DC Comics on the EIC. The writers, artists, editors, retailers, fans buying the comics, etc all have an influence on the type of books that DC puts out, all to varying degrees. Just because Ted Kord has been killed off or because there is a Monitor on every Earth doesn’t mean that Didio is sitting in his office thinking of ways to make readers unhappy and to give petty bloggers something to bitch about.

Still doesn’t seem as stupid or messy as House of M or Civil War were.

I don’t get why Didio gets pegged as the bad guy here nor why Quesada gets it either. We are reading far superior comics than the 90s crap. But I would definitely put Countdown in the 90s crap pile

While I think Didio’s current output is far superior to the 90s IMAGE-STYLE crap, I do think DC under his reign has been vastly inferior to the DC Comics of the 90s. So I wouldn’t necessarily call his regime an improvement from the 90s as far as DC is concerned. Jennette Kahn was awesome.

Still doesn’t seem as stupid or messy as House of M or Civil War were.

Whether I liked them or not, I could at least understand what was happening in House of M or Civil War. Countdown sucks more in my opinion because after reading it, I still have no idea who is who and what the hell I just read. Plus, no way those two books are messier than Countdown. Both miniseries could be read in a self-contained fashion. Countdown to Infinite Crisis cannot. Even if a DC book doesn’t explicitly say Countdown tie-in, you never know when it may have an essential plot point needed to understand what’s going on in the Countdown mini. For example, the death of the Flash in the Flash series and the Lightning Saga, neither of which was billed as a COuntdown tie-in, both provide essential plot points. Throw in all those miniseries that go along with the main miniseries that are just dedicated to jumping from world to world looking for Ray Palmer, the Gotham mini and a whole mess of other confusing junk and all this has done is actually show how messy House of M and Civil War actually WEREN’T.

That “one guy” who liked Countdown has now dropped the series. So all your numbers have just increased by 0.2%.

Geez, I was waiting for Countdown to be collected before I bought it. 52 burned me out on weekly series. But now, I may not even buy Countdown collections. Maybe the mini-series here and there, if they’re any good, but this weekly is sounding terrible!

Well, that was a complete waste of time.

And you mis-capitalized DiDio.

Not to mention, 52 is a surefire sign that he does want to further the medium with experimental and meaningful stories.

Actually, I think you better explain that one. Because I don’t see how it’s a surefire sign of that AT ALL.

A weekly publishing schedule is not experimental at all, and it says nothing about the storytelling.

To the people who seem to be taking this post very seriously- you get it’s a joke, right? I mean, sure, it’s not The Onion or anything, but it’s the same sort of thing, and if you took The Onion this seriously… that’d just be sad.

Stupid uni computers. Anonymous was me.

What about World War Hulk? Nothing happens there too…

Worst of all? the monthly Hulk series: one issue recaping Rick Jones friendship, another issue of “let’s atack the Hulk”, “no we won´t” “we don´t have other chance, let´s atack”.

I think that 52 was experimental in that, while the weekly gig isn’t new, promising that it will be a full story told weekly over the course of a year was. DC was really locked into the idea of publishing all 52 issues from the beginning. Also, taking four of its most prolific writers and having them work on it simultaneously, was a pretty ballsy move. Additionally, the intitial concept of having 52 fill in the “One Year Later” gap (another risky and experimental move unto itself) over the entire line of comics was big enough, but the fact that they used fan reaction’s (through weekly online columns, polling fans at conventions, etc) to help shape the story was a pretty major move.

In my opinion, all of that makes 52 very experimental and, given the innovative ways they handled crafting it, I think that it opened a lot of doors for the medium (you can see how Steve Wacker’s experience as the editor of 52 is influencing his work at Marvel with the launch of the 3times monthly Amazing Spider-Man).

You may not see it, but in my opinion, I stand by my assessment.

A… decent round-up, but I think you’re missing a few key demographic groups:\

(1) People who can’t read the letter “O” and think they’re buying porn.

(2) People who view Countdown not as Countdown to Final Crisis, but Countdown to Countdown Endind. And they feel a moral duty to support the end of Countdown.

(3) Insane fans of second tier Marvel villain the Eel. They buy every comic that has even the slightest theoretical chance of featuring the Eel. Daredevil, Countdown, Eightball, the Norton Illustrated Guide to Bathing Your Poodle…

(4) Optic Nerve fans dismayed by the long wait between issues and appreciate the chance to get that “There is No God, all my struggles are for naught, Why Is There Spinach?” feeling on a weekly basis.

5) Bruce Timm’s mother. Which makes family gatherings awkward.

“So.. Mom. Tell me the truth. Did you like my comic?”

“Oh, Brucie, you know I’d never lie to you. You’ve lost weight!”

Wouldn’t 1% be more like 800-900 people?

52 is experimental only if you’ve never heard of 2000 AD.

And regardless of what 52 was or was not, Countdown is still shite.

Having your most popular writers work together is not experimental. Jumping ahead in time and creating a mini-series to cover the space in between is not experimental. Changing storylines to service fans is not experimental.

In my opinion, you recant your assessment.

MarkAndrew – Funny comment. But when you say Bruce Timm, don’t you mean Paul Dini?

I was in the second 15%. Woohoo, I’m part of a demographic!

I can’t say that Countdown is the best thing I’ve ever read, but I can’t say it’s the worst either. I understand that different people like different things, and I can’t force you to like anything that any company makes, but if you all hate this stuff so much, why do you keep reading it? It seems to me that all you are doing is critisizing people who have different tastes than you, and that is just wrong and mean spirited. I enjoy parody as much as the next person, but you’re just being mean for the sake of being mean. There is nothing legitimate about what you are doing here at all. I get it, you don’t like it. Whoop-de-doo. Stop reading it and get a life.

IMHO, the real experiment of 52 was to show a DC universe without the “Big Three” of Supes, Bats & Wondy. Lots of B-and-C-listers got time to shine amidst years-overdue character development.(Booster, anyone?)

I’ve heard a(unfounded)rumor that the body count for Final Crisis will include Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Could this clear the way for the DC universe to evolve? Dick Grayson taking the mantle of Batman? A return of Conner? Donna Troy with yet another new identity?

It’s not like DC’s going to let their flagship corporate properties disappear; there’s the Kid’s line, the DCU line, Elseworlds, TV, movies, etc.

And all change is temporary…

I think the most offensive thing about Countdown is that DC took the idea behind 52 and stoked it to get more money out of that “50%” that has to collect everything, not because they need all the offshoots to tell a better story.

52 was supposed to explain what happened in the One Year Later tie ins of other titles, and I think it did a good job overall. For Countdown to make sense, you have to buy Countdown, The Wedding Special, Arena, Countdown to Mystery, The Search for Ray Palmer, The Crime Bible, and Countdown to your last dollar. It’s almost as bad a money grab as all the variant covers everyone has been releasing lately.

I stopped collecting Countdown before I started reading these reviews. The quality wasn’t there, and I wasn’t going to collect every DC special to be in on what was supposed to be happening. I agree with most of the bashing.

It seems to me that all you are doing is critisizing people who have different tastes than you, and that is just wrong and mean spirited.

Not exactly. The title of the blog is Comics Should Be Good. Therefore, the issue at hand isn’t so much with subjective taste as objective goodness.

Hence, if the majority perceive Countdown as not very good, it’s fair game for snarkage around here…

I thought that DC’s first experiment at a weekly title was back in the 90s when they gave the five Superman titles a separate number?

There was a white Superman Logo with the year across the top, and a number from 1 to 52 in the main shape.

That was a continuous story, written by different people.

Theno

MarkAndrew – Funny comment. But when you say Bruce Timm, don’t you mean Paul Dini?

… possibly.

DC also had a comic in the 80s, Action Comics Weekly. I think that may have been their actual first foray into weekly comics.

did anyone notice the asterisks? Shouldn’t they lead to something else, like a comment?

The asteriks lead to a special folder where all of the writer’s FUNNY jokes are. The contents of that folder have yet to be seen by anyone other than Brad.

I can see DC killing of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman in the main DCU and giving them all “Ultimate” books. Imagine a world where Bruce Wayne was Batman and he was the only super-hero around save Superman and Wonder Woman.

Thank you, Jason, Iowa, and Mullon. Rare voices of reason amid a forest of herd-mentality haters of whatever it’s trendy to hate this year.

Keep it up, guys. I’ve almost got Bingo.

The link where there was a little URL with the words “countdown” and then “labels/crap” cracked me up but this whole thing was hilarious.

captaincookscasino…

rehearsals!yelped,boycott Toland viciously …

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