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CSBG Archive

Top Five Characters Who Talk Like Morons

Top Five Month continues (check here to see an archive of all the top five lists featured so far) with a look at the top five comic characters who talk like absolute morons.




5. Caliban

Caliban was not actually a moron, he just sounded like one.

4. Big Sir

Big Sir, however, WAS a moron – a moron outfitted with a supersuit.

He was hilarious as a member of the Injustice League.

3. Drax the Destroyer

Currently (and originally) Drax the Destroyer was an able-minded hunter of Thanos.

For a time in the early 90s, though, Drax was a addled-brained and used as comic relief.

He WAS pretty funny.

2. The Hulk

The Hulk?? How could one of the world’s most famous dummies end up only at #2?

Well, my theory is that the Hulk, over the years, has really been many different things – and not always dumb, unlike..

1. Bizarro

Like Caliban, Bizarro is not actually a moron, his backwards talk just makes it sound like he is one.

Still, his silly mode of speech is so notable it even ended up on a famous episode of Seinfeld!!

That’s the list!

Agree? Disagree? Let me know!


Colossus 2000

July 14, 2008 at 3:37 am

I love Ajax…. and I prefer stupid Drax over sensible no-nonsense Drax…..

Now what does that say about me?

Me hated that list!

What about Bibbo?

Or Solomon Grundy?

Or Bill Jemas?

Ha! I never thought I’d miss Jemas, but here we are. At least he was… entertaining? Interesting? Didn’t have his name on Spider-Man’s satanic divorce? I know there’s a reason I miss his run. Also, I’ll say “What about every character Bendis writes” just to get that snark out of the way.

I think Ultimate Captain America deserves at least an Honorable Mention.

Warlock. Not Adam, but the techno one from the New Mutants.

Yoda. He appeared in comcs, so he counts.

Recorders. I think the Rigellians sent them out, but I don’t remember.

OK, maybe they don’t sound like morons. They are annoying to listen to (read).

Hey, if Yoda counts, Jar Jar does too. He IS a moron, AND he talks like one.

Superbaby really belongs on the list. He doesn’t talk or think like a toddler, just … wrong.

Nuklo nem-sis skill!

Though not comic book, per se, I’d give an honorable mention to Cousin Ned and Venturestein, from Venture Bros. Amazingly moronic.

What about All-Star Batman? He’s gotta be on the list somewhere….

…the GODDAMN list…

As little as me hate Bizarro-speak, Loeb not using it as little as he did did not make my head hurt.

How about “The 616 Avengers as written by Brian Michael Bendis.”

Much as I love Big Sir, I think you’ve gotta have Java on that list.

“Solomon Grundy want pants too!”

Where did Ben Grimm fall on the list? If he doesn’t talk like a moron, his speech is at least “rough”.

Teuton! Starlin was infamous for creating cross-company-copies of his favorite characters so he could use them again, and dumb-Drax was just his way of porting over Teuton from Dreadstar. The original is still the best!

Dude… where’s Solomon Grundy? I know it varies by writer and “revival”, but then again so does Hulk!

SWEET CHRISTMAS! No Jive-talkin’ 70’s Luke Cage?! I’ma call Jesse on yo @$$!

So, what you’re saying is — anyone with a speech impediment or happens to have an individual way of speaking talks like a moron??

Bizarro number 1 totally not number 1!

Nick Lockhead

July 14, 2008 at 5:31 pm

I totally agree with Colossus 2000. Man was Drax better when he was a super-strong dumbass instead of the Riddickesque modern revamp.

No We3 mention? You only have the dog staring down on you every time you visit here.

Well, he actually talks like a genius, for a dog.

Genius for a dog is peeing really high.

All those X-Men characters with faux accents and over-used regional colloquialisms sound pretty damn stupid: Gambit, Rogue, Nightcrawler, Banshee, etc. etc.
Every time I’ve had the misfortune to read a Gambit comic I hear the voice of that stupid candlestick from Beauty & the Beast in my head.

So, that would make 1 a super-genius.


Or was he just a moron, who didn’t talk like one?

Wanted’s Fuckwit!

I say again, anyone with a speech impediment or an individual way of speaking — and that’, to you, is a bad thing???

Sorry, Vince, we couldn’t understand you because of your unconventional syntax.

Snark aside, I’m not sure what Vince is referring to here. .

It’s not like the characters in the list have lisps or something. At best they’re adults who talk like toddlers — andI feel like I’m being kind of uncharitable to babies when I say that, because they can be kind of articulate sometimes.

But I guess you bring to it whatever baggage you happen to be carrying.

What about Guy Gardner there’s freakin a moron for you, how about T-T-T-Tin from the Metal Men or maybe that’s just bad taste on my part, Sorry. ( Scar face, Ass Face)

Wait “The Russian”

You forgot Wolverine, Gambit, Rogue, and anyone written by Stan Lee.

Christ, I hate Bizarro…

But I’d have to agree that Gambit deserved to be on that list. Also any silver-age DC infant.

ha, it wasnt until #1 i realized that this wasnt called, “characters who talk like mormons”.

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