EXCL. PREVIEW: Cross the Line in "Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows" #3
Now, with better formating, the advertised number of things hated on, and a couple less typos. And Lil’ John saying yeah a lot.
Even if this is like .0000001 Dorkin in its righteous fury about the stupidity of the wretched beast of an industry I hate myself for loving, I have to bring balance to the four color nerd force and speak of things I do not love about it. Speaking of which…
5 Licensed Comics Whose Annihilation Would Make Me Happy, At Least A Little
1. Star Wars- Unless they published one ongoing that was just Yoda wrecking shit. Yoda wrecking Christopher Lee’s shit in the second prequel was the only thing that made it worth sitting through Anakin stalking Padme and whatever else happened there. But come now, this stream is done played out, guys.
2. Transformers- You can change from cars to robots, huh? Why don’t you change from that to no longer clogging up my local shop’s store shelves, huh!?!?! Although your movie did make me aware of Megan Fox, so you served some purpose in your otherwise useless to me since puberty existence. But now you can transform, roll out, and get out of comics! I feel like ADD now. But I’ll get to him later.
3. Thundercats- Is this still published? I don’t care. I want to come out as being against furry barbarian comics based on cartoons I never watched as a kid.
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- Only because the pizza addiction the cartoone engendered in me has surely shortened my life, and this seems like the only way to get revenge short of making Julie Strain want to kill me. I mean, I already have Shannon Tweed’s undying wrath, I don’t want to anger another silicone pumped B-Movie queen. I almost feel bad for picking on TMNT here, since I still have affection for it, but I gotta make 5 here. Hell, I need to sacrifice one of my sacred cows here to make weight.
5. Buffy Season 8- I can’t miss you if you won’t go away! Also, I think I like the Angel comic better now, and I can only bring myself to buy one of these things at a time. Man, I’m really being hard on Dark Horse’s line here.
Comics Dilettaints (HA!) That Should Never Have Done Comics
6. Kevin Smith- I moderated the Spider-Man Board when it took years for all of that stupid Black Cat mini to come out, that’s why. Also Jersey Girl. I did like Clerks 2, though, so film maker Smith has redeemed himself in my books. I refuse to give Smith’s Daredevil credit for getting me back in to comics because of his lackadasical attitude towards comics writing, though. Admitting that would make Joe Rice and Alex Cox come to my house and castrate me anyway. Not that that would be anything more than a symbolic gesture, but I still don’t think I’d like it. I need to work on that internal monologue thing, don’t I?
7. All the Heroes Writers- Yeah, after Season 2, maybe you should focus on the show itself, especially given how collectively you’ve written like half a good comic ever? Or at least lock Jeph Loeb in a closet somewhere. Then I don’t care if you write a million crap DC comics and steroids allegories with Colossus. Just don’t make me feel like an idiot for deciding to invest time in this thing after trying hard not to.
8. Damon Lindeloff- How much time does it take to finish scripting a Wolverine/Hulk Fight comic? Or is it not his fault? Screw it; I’m blaming Joe Hollywood anyway. Burn, Joe Hollywood, burn! Not that I think you’re a racist, but hey, P.E.! Even if Flav being angry about Hollywood stereotyping in light of his reality show hijinks is… my brain shut down trying to adequately explain that one.
9. Brad Meltzer- I went out of my way to not read this dude’s stuff and still it taints the DC Books I do like. I hope he never gets ahold of Daredevil like I heard on the internet he wanted to one time and now live in fear of happening.
10. All the rest of them- Except Joss. Even if, seriously, the first four issues of Angel: After the Fall are way better than all of Buffy Season 8 so far.
Five Comics I Hate Myself For Owning
11. Shanna the She Devil by Frank Cho- More because I bought in in hardcover and it’s not even good boob war than any other, more obvious reasons.
12. Danger Girl: Complete Series TPB- Mainly because I passed up a copy of Darwyn Cooke’s Catwoman heist GN for this, solely because DG was more pages. I mean, it was fun until J. Scott Campbell tried to be dramatic and it fell apart. He even showed off some nice sequential chops. But… I could have had a Cooke comic! Quantity over quality continues to be an achilles heel of mine. At least Cooke has become a superstar and the Catwoman GN is in his apocrypha collection I can snag off Amazon or something.
13. Essential Ant Man vol. 1- I really did not need this. Especially since after reading the first one, I never need to read another Ant Man story again.
14. Hack/Slash- Just kidding Seeley! Because you’re one of the few creators whose ever commented on me mentioning their book at all that I’m aware of. Since I don’t read the comments, Cronin just relays to me when something interesting like that happens in one of them. That very rarely happens.
15. OMAC Omnibus- Because I am nothing in comparison to its greatness. Makes me feel worthless by comparison.
Another Licensed Comic I Just Remembered I Hated And Want To Go Away
16. Halo- I’ll get the trade, just because seriously, Maleev and Bendis on a sci-fi story based on an FPS? Novelty gold! But I do have to be hard on anything that extends this retarded mythology beyond video games, where I can pretend there’s no story and just pwn d00dz. Oh, wait, I hate l33t speak too. And multiplayer video games. And people, really. I do like jacking the Banshees, or whatever those dope flying sleds are called, though. That was my favorite part of the bits I’ve played of the games. That and pistol whipping the comic relief enemies who seem to be their by accident.
Comics That Are Insanely Overrated And I Don’t Really Like Them At All
17. WildCATS 3.0 by Joe Casey, Dustin Nguyen, et al.- Small sample size, but still; not as good as you think, unless you think it’s not very good at all.
18. Jimmy Corrigan by Chris Ware- I really wanted to give you generic whiplash with the transition there. Yes, it is drawn exquisitely. Yes, it conveys emotion. Unfortunately, it is one emotion, and that is soul crushing depression. I find Jimmy’s totally miserable existence no more realistic than Superman’s cheary, optimistic one. So, yes, fomalistically brilliant; just not something I ever want to read again.
That World’s Fair Chapter with his grandpa is one of the best things I’ve read in comics ever, though. Trying to follow that with more ol’ sad sack Jimmy also hurt the book for me a lot; it couldn’t help but feel anti-climatic, although the lack of an ending made that a moot point. But hey, that’s totally literary, dude! I bet Ware said that whilst high fiving Adrian Tomine as the finale went to print. Because all those comics literati intellectual types are really just frat boys who can draw and read a lot of dour, realistic fiction. I know it. Except the ones I really like. They’re not jerks, Clowes and the Hernandez Bros.! I mean, Maggie can convey a lot of emotions!
19. Automatic Kafka by Casey and Ashley Wood- A Casey sandwhich! Man, I don’t mean to hate on Casey; I think he’s an interesting, talented writer, or I wouldn’t read as much of his stuff. But this was also not as good as the 12 people who liked it (half of which frequented Millarworld when I did) said it was. Too smug and self satisfied for being meta and absolutely nothing else. So, this is what Grant Morrison haters think his comics are like when he goes to that well.
20. Daredevil by Bendis and Maleev- This is perfectly good street level superhero comics, but given that the buzz around it was akin to gospel preaching, it couldn’t help but be dashed against the rocks of my expectations when I read two years worth of it in hard cover. For now, that is enough, although reading the whole thing might improve my attitude toward it. Really, outside of Frank Miller and Wally Wood drawing him, I don’t think I like horn head too much.
21. Crisis On Infinite Earth- Historically significant and not without its epic moments, sure, but kind of crap as a story overall, and certainly as the sea change it was meant to be, although that’s less its fault and more DC’s in general. Can be blamed for a lot of the crap that’s accumulated in the genre, from writing stories that are like laundry lists of big scenes and fan wank to the popularity of line wide crossovers in general. Failed even at keeping Barry Allen dead, apparently, although I don’t have that big a problem with that, unlike my man crush Sims. Mainly because I have, perhaps missplaced, faith in Morrison that he’s going somewhere really interesting with it and it’s not just more fan wank.
Comics That I Just Hated Totally
22. Ruins- Warren Ellis’s dark take on Marvels. Completely repulsive and pointless. Which may have been the point. So, mission accomplished, Warren; you succeeded in creating an odious piece of crap! I doubt he cares about this story at all; it’s in the bottom 5 percentile of his career output at best, and for all I know he banged it out in 2 hours on the toilet. It pretty much reads like it. I mean, I didn’t expect his best work here, but this was just horrible to me.
23. Batman: Tenses- More Joe Casey! Here, he teams up with Cully Hamner, an artist I like a lot, to create a repulsive, odious piece of crap about Year One Batman fighting a serial killer. I think there was a point, so one up on Ruins.
So, yeah, I don’t hate a lot totally. Which makes it hard to be on the internet most days, because you feel like saying “Well, I mean, One More Day didn’t rape my father, so it can’t be that awful.”
Comics I Hate Because They Make Me Feel Dumb
24. Arkham Asylum- Most of the symbolism went completely over my head. Probably still would, making me feel even worse about not studying much in college.
25. Louis Reil- I lost interest in this when they got to his trial. Tim O’Neil was obsessed with it for a while, so it must be genius, because he’s really smart! Even if (because?) he doesn’t like Final Crisis. It’s not that this went over my head (Brown’s annotations in the back helped a lot on that end), I just stopped caring about it. But, I mean, I should right? Since Canadian history is such an important subject to the people beyond that Moose, Bear, French, and other sub human strewn wasteland. Love your wrestlers and comic artists though! Had Reil performed a Candian Destroyer at any time during the book, it would certainly have kept my interest. He doesn’t, does he?
Artists I Don’t Really Get The Appeal Of
26. Michael Turner- I mean, no disrespect to the recently deceased (that’s a get out of jail free card to disrespect him, right?), but… why was he so popular again? I mean, even as a cheescake artist, I didn’t care for him. His women all looked like famine victims with U.N. sponsored boob jobs or something (Boobs For Food?). But, uh, rest in peace, man.
27. Dave McKean- I am only impressed with him to a certain point and then I stop caring and just find his cover work samey. Also, he refused to draw Robin Arkham Asylum, so screw that guy. Willing to re-appraise him if ever I read Cages.
28. Ashley Wood- Like McKean and this guy, but even less coherent and with more sepia, and 12 times more prolific, proving that there is no justice in the world at all.
Artists Who Should Have Stopped Being So Prolific When I Stopped Liking Them
29. Alex Ross- Oh, wow, a superhero posing dramatically covered in high gloss paint! I am in awe! Again! For the millionth time! And the Captain America costume design? Brill! Why no, Alex, my fingers are not crossed behind my back at all!
30. Jim Lee- I did like his work on the Goddam Batman, though, but I find him boring otherwise.
Blasphemy! Grant Morrison Comics I Didn’t Like Much/At All
31. Skrull Kill Krew with Millar and Steve Yeowell- Maybe it was the awful Yeowell art, but this pretty well repulsed me.
32. His Swamp Thing arc with Millar- Maybe Yeowell wasn’t the weak link after all. This was pretty crap, too. It immediately got better once he left, and went on to be one of the few Millar works it’s socially acceptable to like in the blogosphere without qualifying that you know it’s crap. Aztek used to leave me cold, but I liked it a lot more on a second read, so maybe I’d like their Swamp Thing more, too. But probably not. It was pretty bad.
33. Vimanarama with Phil Bond, et al.- This is one I really wish I liked more. All the elements of being something I would are there; mythology! The fantastic clashing with the banal! Phil Bond art! And yet it left me cold.
34. The Filth with Chris Weston et al.- Have yet to finish this, actually. The only part that elicited any reaction was poor Greg Feeley’s cat. Just got Invisibles Vol. 1 off e-bay; we’ll see if that works for me better. So far, so good, but I get the feeling I like superhero Morrison more than totally unrestrained Morrison. All Star Superman, New X-Men and JLA are some of my favorite works of his.
Trends In Comics That Make Me Feel Old
35. Digital Inking- It’s all blurry and shitty. What was wrong with india ink, punks!?!
36. Most Mainstream Manga- Gives me a headache or creeps me out aesthetically to the point that I keep looking over my shoulder for Chris Hansen. Death Note is rad, though.
37. Comics on the Web- Beyond Penny Arcade and Dark Horse Presents on (gag) Myspace, I have little to no interest in them. My attention span on the internet is that of a fruit fly’s, and I am tactile enough to like holding a book in my hands. I have that 40 Years of Fantastic Four DVD and it just collects dust, so much did I hate reading it on the compiter. Zuda might as well be a Microsoft MP3 player I don’t care about either, for all I care (which I do no!). So I’m certainly a dinosaur, aren’t I? And not even a cool, kicking one.
Prominent Bloggers I Don’t Care For Based On Admittedly Small Sample Sizes- Don’t flame me, bros!
38. ADD- I like when he does stuff like this, but hate all of his chest thumping, manifesto crap. Guess which one got more attention in the blogosphere? Sure, I can’t be bothered to back up my characterizations of him in case he comes by to challenge me to the dreaded Arctic Shit Knife Fight To The Death (there’s a theory that that’s what killed Brusier Brody. That I just made up), but anyone who ever read Fanboy Rampage at all remembers them. And I’m just gonna ignore him if I do conjure him by mentioning his name anyway.
39. Chris Allen- Like ADD, but without the unintentional (I assume) comedy value.
40. Scipio- A few reasons:
a. I’m a Marvel, he’s a DC, although I am less retarded about it, I think.
b. He chose the wrong side in the Rann/Thanagar War. Really, liking Hawkman at all for any reason beyond “Joe Kubert drew him for a while” makes you an undesirable in my book. Because he sucks. Hawkgirl, I can deal with, solely because of the Justice League cartoons, in which he was her creepy stalker. John Stewart and Kendra 4-ever! Crap, I’m a ‘shipper!
c. Every time I read one of his posts, my brain cries in agony. Especially when it’s “in character.”
So, you know, not for me.
41. Johanna Draper Carlson- We agree on nothing. And this, which pretty much destroyed her for me, at least as a one shop stop for feminism in comics, or even as a blogger worth listening to, really.
42. Mike Sterling- It’s like Marge Simpson feels about Haggar the Horrible: I just don’t think he’s that funny. He’s like Sims with the funny taken out and replaced with Swap Thing obsession and random musings on creepy comic shop motards, from what I’ve read. I’m not a big fan of his pal Dorian, either, but I’m not listing him because I quote “Subtext, What Subtext” all the time. Mostly whilst watching wrestling. Because that’s so gay it don’t even like boys. Or does. Except when it’s the WWE Divas. Melina totally wanted Beth Phoenix, I swear. It was right there!
43. Dirk Depppey- Because he works for Fantagraphics, he’s like my indie snob strawman. But he confirms that bias at least once a journalista, which is why I
don’t read it too often, even if it is a fine link blog.
44. Tucker Stone- I liked him better when he went by Jim Treacher.
45. Jim Treacher- Wait, I didn’t like him then, either.
Fanboy Habits That I Hate: These make me want to choke a baby man.
46. Completism- Put down the crappy X-Men comic! All of your other X-Men comics will not cease to exist if you do not buy it! I swear! They’re just kidding when they say they’ll come to your house and rip them up!
47. Being a completist and expecting that whining on the internet will make Marvel or DC change their directions- They don’t love you, they just want your money. Get that through your hydrocephallic skulls! If you keep paying someone for their goods and services, they are not inclined to change what they are doing! Vote with your wallet or shut up! Or at least stop acting like any thing you say means crap! Freedom of speech and all.
48. Bitching about crossovers but still buying them- And yeah, I’m a total hypocrite there. Although my caveat is “crossovers I don’t find interesting and/or aren’t written by Grant Morrison.”
Comics Companies That I Cheered To Their Graves
49. Crossgen- Their output was bland and inoffensive, but their fans were like indie snobs who didn’t earn the ‘tude by reading literary/alternative stuff. They just thought that because their bland supehero crap had pirates and Victorian detectives and shit in it, they were above Marvel and DC stuff. So screw them and their stupid little line of genre crap by competent but boring professionals.
5 Creators I’m Ashamed To Have Liked As A Kid, Offered Without Comment On Why, Mostly
50. Rob Liefeld
51. Todd McFarlane
52. Scott Lobdell- I still find his scripting funny, though, and even his ropey plotting probably had as much to do with heavy handed editors as him. But the X-Men stuff his name was on in the ’90s? Yeesh.
53. Fabian Nicieza- See above.
54. Chris Claremont- I can read the classic X-Men stuff I grew up fine, through the glowy Photoshop on an ugly starlet filter of nostalgia, but the new stuff? Yeesh. Hopefully his Iron Fist/Power Man with Byrne from the good old days stil works.
Blog Commenters Who Make Me Hate All Blog Commenters
55. KBox or Kbox or KBoxleitner or KBox 360 Elite with attachable HD DVD Player – So much that I take frequent pot shots at him here, even though he’s never really done anything to me but annoy me on Fanboy Rampage and Savage Critic. Which I shouldn’t. Not because he doesn’t deserve it for going beyond the pale and torrenting comics he knows he will hate just to bitch about them (seriously, dude; find a new hobby) but because blog legend has it that if you mention his name enough, he will appear in your house and yell about how he “WORKS AT A NEWSPAPER!” and then threaten to break your thumbs for liking Final Crisis or something. It gets kind of vague, as these things tend to.
56. Jesse Baker, or BakerBaker, or NotKyleBaker- The patron saint of Fanboy Rampage, and Kbox’s partner in crime. Or sidekick. Life partner? Whatever. Two peas in a pod these, but Jesse had the amazing ability to make Kbox seem less nuts when they were posting in close proximity at FBR. Because he is ten times worse. Haven’t seen him in comics places since FBR died off, but he does occasionally hang out at a wrestling blog I frequent.
57. All of you here- Especially Apodcaca. He knows why. Him and Adrian.
Tedious Arguments I Wish To Never Read Again, Subdivided To Cheat And Still Make 60
58. Superhero Comics Vs. Indie/Alternative/Not Superheroes/Everything Else- Yeah, yeah, we get it, your apple can beat up my orange because it appeals to more theortical people who would read comics if they knew about it than mine does, due to its sophistication. I tap out, straw man indie guy. Take your belt of Internet Douchbaggery and let me read Secret Invasion: US 1 in peace.
59. Comics Fans Who Lived Through The Silver Age And Want Superhero Comics To Be Exactly Just Like That Again- Take your pills and go to be bed, grandpa. Now, I have no problem with keeping the good parts of the Silver Age, but I don’t think you can even appeal to most kids of reading age any more with the kind of bland social values and restraint those books had. I love that corny stuff, but most kids probably do not, I bet. So its my anecdotal evidence against theirs of “My niece/kid/classroom full of kids/Dubai really enjoys these.”
59a. People Who Want Superhero Comics To Be Written For Kids Because They Have So Much Disposable Income- No, seriously, I’ve seen this theory floated around a lot. Now, if the r-tards who posited it would modify it to say “Because their parents will buy them things to shut them up,” no problem. But, unless I had an even more sheltered childhood than I think I did, I don’t remember most kids my age rolling dough from their nine to five jobs. Maybe they do now, I dunno. I’m a substitute teacher, but most of the kids I interact with seem as broke as I was back then. Even if they all have iPods and cell phones. You know, things they want.
59b. Pretty Much Any Argument That Says “Man, I Hate That All The People In Comics Have To Make Comics Like They Were When They Were Kids. Why Don’t They Make Them Like When I Was A Kid?”- Because no one ever seems to choke to death on the contradiction. Or anyone who makes the “Think of the children!” argument, and yet does not realize that kids do read comics, just not superheroes too much. Well, Naruto blurs the line.
The Grand Finale, Wherein The Author Looks In The Mirror And Recoils In Horror
60. Self Indulgent List Blogging- Screw anyone who resorts to that crap. Being all wink wink nudge nude there forgives me for alienating whole swaths of people here, right? Even if I totally don’t care?
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