PREVIEWS: "Civil War II," "Punisher" & More Marvel Comics on Sale June 1, 2016
Whether you like it or not! Because no one demanded it! Fake news with comics book creators!
Item- Mark Millar’s Grocery List Optioned For Big Screen Adaptation!
Even Millar kind of puzzled, bemused by that one
You might think that any writing Mark Millar does that isn’t about characters Marvel owns automatically gets a movie development deal. You would be correct. To an absurd degree!
In news that even took the usually tireless self promoter Millar aback, a grocery list that he inadverdantly mailed to Paramount Pictures along with a treatment for Chosen II: I Just Finished Watching The Rest Of The Omen Series Of Films And Want To Write A Story That “Homages” Them, Too (Working Title) has been optioned by the studio.
In an e-mail obtained by CBSG’s crack team of
breaking and entering experts investigative reporters, a high profile Hollywood producer whose name I just can’t be bothered to remember seemed quite excited by Millar’s shopping list.
“Marky baby, really mind blowing, envelope pushing stuff! Eggs, milk, and toaster strudels? That’s got mainstream appeal! But you don’t leave out the ethnic types with elements like curry and ramen! Can’t wait to start rolling on it, pal! It’s gonna be big! We already have Morgan Freeman attached. I mean, he’s just in every seventh movie released in a year now, but still; instant gravitas!”
Variety also announced the news, in their unique style.
“Biff Bam Kerplunk Kaplow Gabba Gabba Hey! Millar and Paramount to Boffo Box Office Biz with Staples! Zowee!”
In a related note, no, I do not have any idea what Variety headlines mean either. I just sort of shrug and move on.
When reached for comment, it took the usually hyper-huckster Millar a few moments to rev his engines.
“I just… you know, I am quite fond of money and everything. It’s great. But… seriously, I got a grocery list optioned?
Millar went on to talk about a comics version of the property, much like a death row inmate talks about their execution.
“Wow. Guess I’ll have to do one of those. And I thought I was pushing it by doing a sequel to Chosen! I… I guess I need to do a comic about my grocery list now? Really? Wow. I… I guess I’ll see if one of the gobsmackingly amazing artists in my rolodex will do it.”
From there Millar perked up considerably.
“I know! I’ll call Steve Dillon! I mean, it surely can’t be a bigger waste of him than Wolverine: Origins was!”
And then from there he went on to talk about how this comic would cure cancer and aids and bail America out of its financial crisis. And, I mean, I just don’t want to quote that.
Item- Marvel and DC Take Exclusive Deals Farther
Now literally own Bendis, Morrison’s asses (and testicles, and other various and sundry body parts)
Marvel and DC Comics issued joint statements today announcing how they had each upped the ante when it came to the comic book creator arms race that doesn’t actually exist at all.
“Marvel is proud to announce that we have bound the souls of Brian Michael Bendis, Ed Brubaker, Sean Phillips, Matt Fraction, Stuart Immonen, the Spider-Man brain trust, John Romita Jr., Michael Lark, and, for some reason, Daniel Way, to Marvel Comics for all eternity,” Joe Quesada said in a press realease reprinted in its entirety, without comment of any kind, on Newsarama.com earlier today.
“We’d like to thank Avi Arad and his contact in the dark arts, Yondu, the Wizard of the Fourth Dimension, for facilitating this deal. Well, and all the virgins whom we had to sacrifice. To be fair, what were all of those people we abducted from Comic Con going to do with their lives anyway? I mean, hey, they helped out Marvel Comics; that was probably their life’s aspiration any way,” Quesada added. No one could really disagree on that last point.
At a panel discussion at the Bakersfield Comic Con and Tractor Supply Show, all of the creators assured fans they were quite happy with the deal, in spite of the whole forfeiting their immortal souls for slightly better page rates and dental for all eternity.
“Our families lives depend on it,” Brubaker said, grinning uncomfortably.
“To be fair, this has pretty much been my deal since I moved Powers to Icon, I just didn’t want to give that glory whore Yondu much attention,” Bendis added.
“Seriously, how do I keep getting so much work,” Daniel Way went on to say. “Has anyone liked anything I’ve written ever for Marvel?”
Matt Fraction mentioned how the deal affected his creator owned series, Casanova.
“I’m moving it to Icon. Now, Marvel obviously allows me a ton of creative freedom, much like the other Icon writers, but I still think Wolverine’s gonna show up a lot. Let’s just say Yondu has a homosexual fixation on him and leave it at that.”
Moments later, Fraction was vaporized in a flash of lightning. That made for a really awkward few moments where no one else said anything, for fear of invoking the wrath of the suddenly omnipotent funny book powerbroker.
However, Quesada did make it a point to reassure people that, in spite of his untimely passing, Fraction did have enough scripts in the can for Invincible Iron Man to continue until its inevitable cancellation before all of the creators were marched out of the auditorium the panel was held in, led at gun point by the ape-like homunculi that serve as Yondu’s personal servants.
“I didn’t even get a chance to tell Quesada how much of a terrible person he is for ruining Spider-Man, and ask why he hates Spider-Man so much, and I pretty much just really want to talk about how much I hate all these Spider-Man comics I continue to buy,” an irate fan said.
When asked what he thought of Fraction’s shocking end, he said this.
“Who cares about that? I have important things to discuss, like Spider-Man’s fictional marriage!”
Not to be outdone, DC announced that they had similarly locked up their most prolific creators for eternity.
“Grant Morrison did some magic; I’m sorry, magick. So, yeah, we pretty much own him, Johns, Giffen, Rucka, and Waid now. All the 52 architects,” Dan Didio said in a press confrence. I mean, I’m using magic/k to explain this thing, so even a comics company holding a press confrence is plausible, right?
When asked for details on what kind of magick Morrison used, exactly, he said this:
“At this point, explaining anything Grant does requries me to link to annotations done by really literate fans, and I just do not like validating those peoples’ existence at all. Big ups to Doug Wolk for blogging about our good weekly comic, though!”
When asked how this arrangement affected Mark Waid’s job at Boom! Studios, Didio said the following:
“What in the who now? Boom whatsits? I have no idea what that is.”
Then Morrison appeared, wearing his trademark sunglasses, Dr. Strange’s cloak of levitation, and a codpiece. And that was it. He cast a teleportation spell that shunted Dido back to the pocket universe where he resides, and took to the podium to make a statement.
“First of all, the next person who complains about the accessibility of my comics on the interent gets shunted off in to Didio’s pocket universe and is left to his cruel devices. I mean, that mainly involves going to karaoke with him, but you do not know agony until you have heard him sing ‘All By My Self’.”
“Secondly,” he continued, “I’m challenging that punk ass Yondu to a wizard off! As this realm’s new supreme conduit of sigil based imagiknighthood, I will not stand for his inferior brand of magicking!”
As we all know from high school civics, wizard offs are serious business that can fundamentally alter reality. The infamous 1965 encounter between Paul McCartney and Richard Nixon erased the eighth continent, Versimilitudeland, from all known records. Even the minor skirmish between Sting the pop star and Sting the wrestler led to the New York Mets collapse and According to Jim’s continued existence, among other minor but fairly horrible things.
CBR asked noted magick enthusiast Alan Moore for his opinion on this epic conflict. Unfortunately, he didn’t care for the way we phrased the question, so he refuses to have any further conflict with the site and all mentions of his name scoured from it. He did, however, appreciate one thing about the interview.
“At least it wasn’t another question about that bloody Watchmen movie,” he said.
Robert Kirkman also weighed in on the story.
“I told you everyone needs to start doing creator owned work! It’s all fun and games until Yondu and Morrison and magik offs! This is why Warren Ellis needs to stop doing work that pays in advance all together and focus on finding new ways to re-work Transmetropolitan at Avatar full time!”
The fact that Mr. Kirkman gave this statement on a street corner while he was wearing a sandwhich board with “The End is Nigh” written on it was a little strange, but hey, comics loves eccentrics!
Brian Cronin Doesn’t Love You, He Just Wants You To Read His Daily Content
It’s not personal. It’s just that that his robot brain is incapable of love. Really, anything beyond Urban Legends and things that his programming identifies as lame or irksome escape him. The Bob Dylan obsession? That’s sentient. Because not even the maddest scientist would program a robot to love Bob Dylan. I’m not telling you anything you shouldn’t already know, though, am I?
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