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CSBG Archive

Definitive List of the Five Best Flashes Ever Anywhere

Comics and nerd “culture” have long been blessed with awesome characters named “Flash.  In the usual CSBG style of pentatonic lists, I will now display the absolute facts as to who is best.

5.  Funky Flashman.  First off, he was made by Jack Kirby, so that’s got him some cred right there.  Secondly, he’s a parody of Stan the Man after Stan totally screwed Jack over.  Thirdly, he wears a toupee on his head . . .AND ONE ON HIS FACE.  The beard is fake!  That’s so awesome that I can’t get over it.  But it’s not nearly as awesome as that cravat.  Goddam, I love a good cravat.

4. Just look at that guy.  I want you to tell me right now that he won’t stone laser your face off.  You can’t tell me that because he obviously will.  His shirt’s all ripped and he is hard.  Look at those eyes.  Are they a killer’s eyes?  They are an awesome laserer’s eyes I know that much.  You only wish you had the cajones to step to a man like Flash Gordon.  You don’t.  NO ONE DOES.

3.  Except maybe for this dude here!  Awwww, yeah.  GI Joe’s original laser trooper expert.  You always knew he was cool because he had red pads and a weapon that doesn’t really make sense in any battlefield sense.  You know what I would give for slacks like that?  A few babies, that’s what (any ethnicity).  I always liked Flash, and that makes him awesome.

2.  Almost as awesome as this man right here.  Look at him.  He’s got a sweet sweater with his last initial on it.  The ladies love him.  And he gives that unbelievable tool Parker just what he deserves.  And please don’t think I’m being sarcastic here.  Can you imagine having to deal with that whining ninny in high school?  I bet you can because you did.  That’s because school’s don’t have proper alpha males like Flash Thompson anymore.  Sure, Steve Ditko played him as a bad guy, but that’s because Ditko was a nerdy freak, too.  Flash Thompson is frickin cool.

And the greatest Flash of all time?

1.  This guy with his name misspelled.
Seriously, screw all those red and yellow fast crapfaces.  Barry’s boring, Wally’s a former Teen Titan and therefore a giant entitled Gen X/Boomer whiner.  And Jay is old and therefore probably a Republican.  And running really fast is dumb as a power, so they give them everything else in the world.

This post is fact.

Love,

Joe Rice

34 Comments

Rice, you such a nerd. NERD.

Actually Wally West is the one established in continuity as a Republican. (Seriously)

Dude what about that time ultimate Wasp showed ultimate Hulk her BOOBS!!!! that was the best flash lol

Guys with lasers > boobs. It’s science, it’ll tell you so.

FLASH!!! AHHHH-AHHHHH!!!
KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!

I like you. You’re crazy.

You know who gets songs written about them by Queen?

FRICKIN AWESOME PEOPLE that is who.

I love how the pic for #4 is too awesome to show up on my computer. No doubt it would break the internet if it was viewable.

oh god the pic showed up

I see Jay Garrick as more of a Roosevelt Democrat myself. But even if he did register Republican once upon a time, I’m pretty sure he changed affiliations after the HUAC hearings.

Clayton, first two chairs of the Special Committee on Un-American Activities (1934-1937) were John W. McCormack and Samuel Dickstein, Democrats. It then became the Special investigation committee (1938–1944) and was chaired by Martin Dies Jr. and Samuel Dickstein, Democrats. The permanent standing HUAC committee’s first chairman was Edward J. Hart, a Democrat. Don’t just assume every thing in history you don’t like was run by Republicans. HUAC was bipartisan.

Actually Wally West is the one established in continuity as a Republican.

Wait, I thought Wally supported the mad bomber for President?

Funky Flashman was a member of the Secret Society of Super-Villains so he wins in my book. The fact is is based on Stan The Man, only makes it more of a blowout.

And now it’s not showing up… way to be a dick picture #4.

Tsk tsk, Joe, we have an image server, so we shouldn’t hotlink to photos!

I uploaded all the images to our server.

Great list!

#5 shouldn’t count. Technically he’s not a Flash at all but a FlashMAN. Big difference.

All the rest are just FlashBOYS.

I believe wally is a republican because Bary was a republican. ( I mean, cmon he is police)

Wally was a Republican bak in the 80s, which, thanks to the rolling ten-year window of comic book time, is now well before he was born…

Pretty ballsy to not include any of the three Flashes on the Best Flash list. But what about REVERSE Flash?

“Cajones” in spanish means “drawers”. I assume you meant “cojones” ;)

I like cabinets all right? Geez, get off my back!

No Flash Funk = FAIL.

Yes, Wally was explicitly labeled as Republican in-story by Mike Baron. I don’t know if it was ever mentioned before that, but that’s the first time I saw it in print.

Oh yeah, some GI Joe Flash love! My first GI Joe figure! He kicked ass in Marvel’s GI Joe #1 and was totaly banging Cover Girl!

what about Grandmaster Flash?

Flash Funk and Grandmaster Funk; the team up that damn well ought to exist.

I think Grandmaster Flash is cooler than s/flash and he had the furious five!

Incidentally, G.I. Joe’s Flash went the way of Barry Allen (well, until recently, I guess) and died in an explosion during a mission back in one of the Devil’s Due issues from a couple of years back. Of course, IDW has taken over G.I. Joe with a reboot, so maybe Flash will return.

That one shot of Flash Gordon makes me wish for a new version. And we can all just ignore that short-lived Sci-Fi original version.

Oh, and bravo for this post having no Garrick, Allen or West! Just cuz, why not?

I find the G.I. Joe love completely impossible to relate to.
REAL G.I. Joe is twice as tall and has “real” hair and, often, Kung-Fu grip.*
The version of G.I Joe mentioned in this post came into existence just when I was reaching the perfect age to start rejecting things like the comics & cartoons based on him merely on the grounds of it being a product promo.

*Of course, there’s an even earlier, even larger, original version, sans hair & beard, treasured by those even older than I, who probably consider “my” version as hopelessly latter-day and decadent as I consider the Cobra-fighting version.

Yeah! What Lauren said!

[...] Comics Should Be Good has a list of the Top Five Flashes. I’m sure most Flash fans will find something to disagree with in this [...]

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