CBR Live! Archive
Definitive List of the Five Best Flashes Ever Anywhere
Comics and nerd "culture" have long been blessed with awesome characters named "Flash. In the usual CSBG style of pentatonic lists, I will now display the absolute facts as to who is best.
5. 
Funky Flashman. First off, he was made by Jack Kirby, so that's got him some cred right there. Secondly, he's a parody of Stan the Man after Stan totally screwed Jack over. Thirdly, he wears a toupee on his head . . .AND ONE ON HIS FACE. The beard is fake! That's so awesome that I can't get over it. But it's not nearly as awesome as that cravat. Goddam, I love a good cravat.
4. 
Just look at that guy. I want you to tell me right now that he won't stone laser your face off. You can't tell me that because he obviously will. His shirt's all ripped and he is hard. Look at those eyes. Are they a killer's eyes? They are an awesome laserer's eyes I know that much. You only wish you had the cajones to step to a man like Flash Gordon. You don't. NO ONE DOES.
3. Except maybe for this dude here! 
Awwww, yeah. GI Joe's original laser trooper expert. You always knew he was cool because he had red pads and a weapon that doesn't really make sense in any battlefield sense. You know what I would give for slacks like that? A few babies, that's what (any ethnicity). I always liked Flash, and that makes him awesome.
2. Almost as awesome as this man right here. 
Look at him. He's got a sweet sweater with his last initial on it. The ladies love him. And he gives that unbelievable tool Parker just what he deserves. And please don't think I'm being sarcastic here. Can you imagine having to deal with that whining ninny in high school? I bet you can because you did. That's because school's don't have proper alpha males like Flash Thompson anymore. Sure, Steve Ditko played him as a bad guy, but that's because Ditko was a nerdy freak, too. Flash Thompson is frickin cool.
And the greatest Flash of all time?
1. 
This guy with his name misspelled.
Seriously, screw all those red and yellow fast crapfaces. Barry's boring, Wally's a former Teen Titan and therefore a giant entitled Gen X/Boomer whiner. And Jay is old and therefore probably a Republican. And running really fast is dumb as a power, so they give them everything else in the world.
This post is fact.
Love,
Joe Rice
- Posted on October 28, 2008 @ 07:15 PM
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34 Comments
thespianphryne
October 28, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Rice, you such a nerd. NERD.
Joe Rice
October 28, 2008 at 7:26 pm
IT CANNOT BE DENIED
T.
October 28, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Actually Wally West is the one established in continuity as a Republican. (Seriously)
Mike Loughlin
October 28, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Dude what about that time ultimate Wasp showed ultimate Hulk her BOOBS!!!! that was the best flash lol
Joe Rice
October 28, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Guys with lasers > boobs. It's science, it'll tell you so.
TV's Grady
October 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm
FLASH!!! AHHHH-AHHHHH!!!
KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!
DoctorDoom
October 28, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I like you. You're crazy.
Joe Rice
October 28, 2008 at 8:12 pm
You know who gets songs written about them by Queen?
FRICKIN AWESOME PEOPLE that is who.
sononsj
October 28, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I love how the pic for #4 is too awesome to show up on my computer. No doubt it would break the internet if it was viewable.
sononsj
October 28, 2008 at 8:20 pm
oh god the pic showed up
Clayton
October 28, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I see Jay Garrick as more of a Roosevelt Democrat myself. But even if he did register Republican once upon a time, I'm pretty sure he changed affiliations after the HUAC hearings.
T.
October 28, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Clayton, first two chairs of the Special Committee on Un-American Activities (1934-1937) were John W. McCormack and Samuel Dickstein, Democrats. It then became the Special investigation committee (1938–1944) and was chaired by Martin Dies Jr. and Samuel Dickstein, Democrats. The permanent standing HUAC committee's first chairman was Edward J. Hart, a Democrat. Don't just assume every thing in history you don't like was run by Republicans. HUAC was bipartisan.
Thok
October 28, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Actually Wally West is the one established in continuity as a Republican.
Wait, I thought Wally supported the mad bomber for President?
Grico
October 28, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Funky Flashman was a member of the Secret Society of Super-Villains so he wins in my book. The fact is is based on Stan The Man, only makes it more of a blowout.
sononsj
October 28, 2008 at 10:52 pm
And now it's not showing up... way to be a dick picture #4.
Brian Cronin
October 28, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Tsk tsk, Joe, we have an image server, so we shouldn't hotlink to photos!
I uploaded all the images to our server.
Great list!
T.
October 28, 2008 at 11:27 pm
#5 shouldn't count. Technically he's not a Flash at all but a FlashMAN. Big difference.
St. Michael
October 29, 2008 at 4:31 am
All the rest are just FlashBOYS.
doron
October 29, 2008 at 6:52 am
I believe wally is a republican because Bary was a republican. ( I mean, cmon he is police)
Jeff R.
October 29, 2008 at 8:18 am
Wally was a Republican bak in the 80s, which, thanks to the rolling ten-year window of comic book time, is now well before he was born...
CBrown
October 29, 2008 at 8:45 am
Pretty ballsy to not include any of the three Flashes on the Best Flash list. But what about REVERSE Flash?
Ariel S.
October 29, 2008 at 9:57 am
"Cajones" in spanish means "drawers". I assume you meant "cojones"
Joe Rice
October 29, 2008 at 10:06 am
I like cabinets all right? Geez, get off my back!
Stephen
October 29, 2008 at 12:35 pm
No Flash Funk = FAIL.
T.
October 29, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Yes, Wally was explicitly labeled as Republican in-story by Mike Baron. I don't know if it was ever mentioned before that, but that's the first time I saw it in print.
Scavenger
October 29, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Oh yeah, some GI Joe Flash love! My first GI Joe figure! He kicked ass in Marvel's GI Joe #1 and was totaly banging Cover Girl!
jhota
October 29, 2008 at 2:21 pm
what about Grandmaster Flash?
Brad Curran
October 29, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Flash Funk and Grandmaster Funk; the team up that damn well ought to exist.
lauren
October 29, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I think Grandmaster Flash is cooler than s/flash and he had the furious five!
Ethan Shuster
October 29, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Incidentally, G.I. Joe's Flash went the way of Barry Allen (well, until recently, I guess) and died in an explosion during a mission back in one of the Devil's Due issues from a couple of years back. Of course, IDW has taken over G.I. Joe with a reboot, so maybe Flash will return.
That one shot of Flash Gordon makes me wish for a new version. And we can all just ignore that short-lived Sci-Fi original version.
Ethan Shuster
October 29, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Oh, and bravo for this post having no Garrick, Allen or West! Just cuz, why not?
Jack Norris
October 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I find the G.I. Joe love completely impossible to relate to.
REAL G.I. Joe is twice as tall and has "real" hair and, often, Kung-Fu grip.*
The version of G.I Joe mentioned in this post came into existence just when I was reaching the perfect age to start rejecting things like the comics & cartoons based on him merely on the grounds of it being a product promo.
*Of course, there's an even earlier, even larger, original version, sans hair & beard, treasured by those even older than I, who probably consider "my" version as hopelessly latter-day and decadent as I consider the Cobra-fighting version.
Michael Mayket
October 31, 2008 at 4:54 am
Yeah! What Lauren said!
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