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Comics Are Awesome: Part the 15th

(suggested by sgt rawk)

Why read those three books when you can read the Roy Thomas-penned Marvel Illustrated versions? Eh?

Anyway, those aren’t the three books required to conquer the world. The following three, however, would do just nicely:

1. If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor, by Bruce Campbell
2. The Dilbert Future, by Scott Adams
3. There’s a Monster at the End of This Book, by Grover

Do you dare wield the STAGGERING POWER!?

(If you only want to conquer part of the world, however, you can substitute in The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman, Superfudge by Judy Blume and Everybody Poops by someone who poops.)

26 Comments

I think that comic was a conspiracy to get children to read true literature. “Hey! I read all three books, and none told me how to conquer the world! I was robbed!”
“Too late kid, you’re educated now. Mwa-ha-ha!!” :D

“Stories to Stagger the Imagination” . . . Hey, my imagination is staggered by this cover!!!

The Comics are Awesome blog is awesome.

my son loves ”There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”. I read it to him all the time. lol.

I’ve read 5 out of 6 of those books you listed, Brad, and I wouldn’t know where to begin conquering the world.

Clearly, the secret is somewhere within “Everybody Poops.”

Erg. Meant Bill, honest I did.

I think it’s sort of amusing that that gorilla needs a gun to get what he wants out of people.

You would think if he just filled out the paperwork for a library card he could get all 3 books without the need to threaten anyone.

yes! all i need to do is read moby dick and i will be the greatest criminal mind of our time!

Nah, the secret’s definitely in “If Chins Could Kill…”

After all Bruce Campbell does rule the world…

Gorilla’s threatening librarians with guns are okay, I guess, but I was on the fence until I saw that the comic had “Language Master of Space!” Now, I must read it.

If you’re any kind of man at all, Hodgman’s list of Nine President’s who had Hooks for Hands alone should be enough information to set you on the path to world domination, or at least domination of one of the lesser hemispheres.

Sweet! I’ve read all 6 of those books!

We need more gorillas with handguns threatening librarians on the covers of comics! Especially when a gorilla reading leads to that gorilla dominating the world.

When is DC gonna reprint this?

you want cool?
three words.

six. gun. gorilla.

lay back and bathe in some grain alcohol and rain water with a copy of six gun gorilla.

And may I say, what a hot librarian. Thanks, Bill, thanks, everyone. PS – this is not the first version of this cover but let’s hear it for the great Nick Cardy!

I’m very curious as to how those three books are supposed to let him conquer the world. Anyone actually own this issue?

umm, its a library. the books are free. why the gun? get a library card.

I say why not a gun? He’s a gorilla and doesn’t play by your “human” rules. Just give him the damn books so he can conquer the world, and then everyone will be happy.

@ Dalarsco – Oh, man. This tory is an six-pager from 1956 about an alien who looks EXACTLY like a human being who transforms himself into a gorilla in an effort to enslave the planet for his alien brothers, thinking (mistakenly) that gorillas were Earth’s dominant life-form. The aliens have powerful telescopes that observe light “from 100 000 years ago” where a strange civilization of gorillas who all wear red shirts and green pants “completely dominates all life on the third planet and undoubtedly exists today!”. The alien is transformed into a gorilla and sent to earth to “spy freely among the gorillas.” He crash-lands the ship, because “it’s tricky to slow down and land at this tremendous speed!” Anyway, he finds out that “sometime during the last 100 000 years, the gorilla civilization died out!” The alien/gorilla gets himself captured by an elderly professor named Scott who’s working on a ray that will transform gorillas into humans! And the ray works! The ape is human again! But the professor says, “Now to change him back” and changes him back to a gorilla and dismantles the machine. It’s far too dangerous, this ray, so before he can turn over the plans to the Science Society, he hides the plans from his former lab assistant Hal Todd “whom he never trusted” and fired, wondering “if he’s scheming to steal my plans for evil purposes?” He hides them in his nephew’s library books, “so if Todd searches me, he won’t find the plans on my person!” The professor walks in front of a truck and is killed. Who finds the body but … Hal Todd, who wonders “if he planned to use his discovery for evil purposes, as I half suspected at times!” A passer-by returns the books to the library. Hal Todd determines to find the plans and give them to The Science Society, whatever that is. The ape busts out of his cage and his “super-scientific mind traces the books to the library.” He must get the plans, regain human form, finish his spy mission and repair his ship. Anyway, at the library, the gorilla asks the librarian, rather curtly, for the three books that were just returned. No gun is involved. The librarian has a priceless quote “At first I imagined that gorilla was talking to me — but it’s his THOUGHTS I hear? How is such a fantastic thing possible?” *The artwork clearly shows a word balloon. Then again, the cover shows a gun and again, no gun is used. I repeat : there is no gun. A happy monkey escapes with the three books, just in time to meet Hal Todd again, driving back to the library. Were the professor’s plans hidden inside those library books? He’s got to find out! As he pulls up in front of the library, he witnesses the gorilla steal a car. “I can’t wander around the city in this gorilla form — I’ll be hunted down! Someone left that car motors running! I’ll use it to get away!” Hal Todd witnesses this. He doesn’t comment on the primate committing grand theft auto. “What’s that … that GORILLA doing with Scott’s books? I’d better follow him!” Meanwhile, “speeding outside the city, unfamiliar with earthly cars and roads, the man-ape meets disaster on a dangerous curve …” “L-Lost control!” thinks the monkey (thought balloon this time.) Hal Todd, sole eyewitness, scrambles down to the crash site, thinking grimly to himself “The gorilla and the plans … going up in flames! But … but where did that intelligent beast come from? What was he planning to do? The world will NEVER KNOW!” The End!

Story : Otto Binder, Art : Carmine Infantino & Joe Giella.

Travis Pelkie: I like your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

y’know, I’ve never been one for the library card myself. if only I had a gun I could finally find out if moby dick and ahab fell in love..

I love, love, love, love “There’s A Monster At The End Of This Book.” Second only to Dr. Seuss, it’s probably the best book written in the English language. And, no, I’m not kidding in the least.

Thanx for the summery, sgt.

Comics are awesome!!

Oh man, more wackiness from the writer who brought us Captain Marvel. Sheer awesomness. By the by, I think this was originally published in a Strange Adventures issues.

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