Vaughan & Chiang's "Paper Girls" Builds a Familiar Yet Disconcerting World
Golly gee whiz, guys! I’m sure out of breath from pedaling all the way back to the Secret Headquarters of the Comic Society of Book Grabbers, or CSBG for short! Old man Burgas just put out all the new books for June! Boy, wait till I tell you about some of these– they sure look neato! I only managed to save up a dollar from my paper route this month, but then I found two whole dimes on the sidewalk outside Mean Mrs. Curran’s house, so I bought ten whole comics! Which ones did I pick? I bet you can’t wait to find out my top ten at the end of this message! I borrowed my dad’s typewriter and everything! I think I’ll call it BLOG! For Billy’s List Of Goodness! Yeah!
How can the knights be invisible? They’re right there, Batman! It’s probably the gold one. He looks the meanest.
Justice League of America #36
I like the drawing, but Ma taught me not to make fun of disabled people.
Adventures of Jerry Lewis #88
Bob Hope’s comic is way better, especially since Super-Hip is in it. That’s what my buddy Dave says, anyway. My Dad told me Jerry Lewis has too many loose screws, whatever that means. This issue looks really scary, though.
Green Lantern #37
Old man Burgas told me he saw something just like this when he took that trip to Mexico. I don’t know what he’s talking about. Evil Star doesn’t look as tough as Starro, though. I bet Green Lantern can get out of this one.
Sea Devils #23
This is a pretty boring cover. I like it better when they fight weird monsters.
The creepy mummy ants from last year are a lot cooler than King Condor. Why doesn’t this cover have a background?
Strange Adventures #177
Millard’s probably an alien! The monster’s giant, veiny eye and bright red skin really jumps off the stands, but nothing here made me have to get this comic.
Secret Hearts #104
Ick! Kissing! This comic’s for girls. And my Ma would say this one’s a hussy!
House of Mystery #151
This comic never makes any sense to me. That Scipio kid at school likes it, but I think he eats paste.
I buy Aquaman sometimes, but that ugly face doesn’t do this comic any favors!
Our Army at War #155
My brother Scott”s in high school, and he told me “fokker” is a really dirty word. How can they put it on a comic?
He doesn’t look like a pirate. Who wants to read a comic about these old superheroes anyway? I want them to bring back Tommy Tommorrow!
All-American Men of War #109
That flamethrower is really keen, but wouldn’t the fuel tank explode from the bullets? I think it would work better if they colored Johnny Cloud something other than blue.
House of Secrets #72
The Morloo looks like he’s made of broccoli. I always knew broccoli was evil.
Why did they get inside a giant picnic basket? That was just asking for trouble. But I only buy this comic when they put a giant purple gorilla on the cover.
Honorable mentions! If only I had another quarter, I would’ve bought these!
Detective Comics #340
I heard the Cronin bully at school say that the Outsider is really Alfred, but that doesn’t make any sense! Alfred died! They wouldn’t bring a dead guy back to life. Anyway, I wanted to get this because of the Elongated Man story, mostly, but look how cool that Batmobile is!
Mystery in Space #100
It’s really neat how the human guy is disguised as an alien and the alien guy is disguised as a human! But they gave away the secret on the cover, so I didn’t feel like buying it. I bet this comic isn’t half as “jolly good” as that Doctor Who show my British cousin Graeme keeps writing me about. But at least comics are in color!
Top Ten time! Holy cow!
10. Action Comics #325
I don’t usually like Superbaby stories, but it says it’s the best Superman story of the year! Why would they lie?
9. Captain Storm #7
I love bazookas.
8. Superboy #121
They sure use time travel a lot. This one looks like an interesting story, though! Will Superboy tell him? And why would Jor-El break his ship by flying out of it like that? Won’t he need it to get back? I still have to know what’s going to happen, though!
7. Adventure Comics #333
A superhero Civil War? I never thought anything like that could ever happen! I wonder why they’re fighting.
6. World’s Finest Comics #150
Couldn’t Superman use his super-hearing or super-smell or something to tell Batman’s there? Or maybe Superman’s a dork! I think that’s what that crumbum hood Nevett called old man Burgas that one time, anyway.
5. Girls’ Romances #109
I didn’t want to buy this one, but my sister Danielle made me, or else she’d tell on me for taking those dimes from Mrs. Curran’s sidewalk! But maybe it’s not so bad. I like the Beatles. Or are those the Rolling Stones? Actually, that one guy looks like poor President Kennedy, and the other fellow looks like this Donald Trump that my other cousin, Harvey, goes to college with. I don’t think that Trump guy will amount to something as big as a comic cover, though!
4. Young Love #49
Sis made me get this one for her, too. I’m not real keen on these stories, but the colors on this cover make it look really groovy, or artistic, or something. It sure looks different from everything else on the newsstand!
3. Flash #153
Wow! He socked him right into the future! What a wallop! I’ve got to read this one!
2. Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen #85
Jimmy sure seems off his rocker on this cover! He built a giant statue of himself and a Kryptonite catapult! Maybe it’s a hoax, a dream, or an imaginary story. I have to find out! It sure looks wild!
1. Doom Patrol #96
This is the craziest comic book cover I’ve ever seen! It really beats the pants off those crummy Marvel comics! But where do they get the giant records?
Oh oh! Look at the time! If I don’t hurry home now, Ma will kill me! And I’ll miss The Munsters!
And I’m sure once the internet, or something like that, is invented, some spiffy website called, I don’t know, The Grand Comics Database, will display all these covers. Maybe guys like me will be writing their own BLOGs! I guess it would be a GLOG, though, if it’s somebody like little Greg Hatcher from down the block.
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