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Comic Book Gallimaufry: Because Potpourri Is For The Ladies

Yeah, I’m annoyed/manic/bored, and am writing a lot again. So what? Wanna fight about it? Wanna fight about Family Guy references? Want a back rub? You are a demanding audience, if so.

Hey, Summers, You’re On Notice! So, yeah; Buffy Season 8. I’ve decided that it’s got one more issue to not tread water. That will be the Willow one shot. That’s it. If that thing is mediocre or worse, I’m dropping it. I don’t even care about finishing the run at this point, because I can’t remember what happened last issue.

I mean, it’s not awful, it’s just not working for me anymore. Maybe it would read better as trades? Thing is, at one point, I loved it in single issues. That point was when Drew Goddard and Brian Vaughan were writing it, with Whedon’s stuff at least maintaining the good will I had for the concept of more Buffy that counts.

It never recovered from his awful time travel Fray crossover that made me hate Fray, time travel, Whedon, and various other things in their orbit, at least a little, though. At this point, I’m thinking maybe they should just take it away from him and let various comics pros and other writers outside the old Buffy staff (except Goddard) have at it. Yes, I want them to take Buffy away from her daddy.

So, yeah, I’m out of the Whedon Fan Club. I’ll send for my things, Bill. At least we’ll always have Firefly. (By the way, did everyone catch the Firefly reference on Castle this week? If not, you make me sad, not watching Castle like that. Go hit that up online, yo!)

No, Don’t! I’m thinking it’s time to maybe accept Mark Millar’s writing in to my life again. Or at least finish up his Ultimates run with Hitch. Or get Old Man Logan. I should probably not ever get Old Man Logan, should I? Still, I think if I go in expecting nothing but big splasy scenes strung together, and ignore his characterization, I should be okay, right?

But Then Maybe Mark Millar Would Write Him! So, yeah, why has their not at least been a Fantomex mini-series by now? Can someone (preferably Jason Aaron) get on that? If I ran Marvel, Fantomex would be in the X-Men. Hey, wait a minute! That sounds like a list!

It Is A List! X-Men Who Would Be On The X-Men If I Ran Marvel And The X-Men And Also Their Role As X-Men:

1. Nightcrawler (team leader/best character ever/suddenly Errol Flynn Jr. again because Father Kurt is so lame!)
2. Wolverine (is Wolverine)
3. Beast (tech support/wise cracker/does a lot of stuff with his feet)
4. Fantomex (dashing rogue ally who hangs out with the X-Men due to a combination of self interest, payments from Angel, and writer’s crush)
5. Rachel Summers/Marvel Girl/Phoenix/Whatever They’re Calling Her That Week (is less annoying than her mom, and you need a telekinetic)
6. Kitty Pryde (my theoretical X-Men run would begin with her space bullet landing on the X-Mansion lawn, or what’s left of it these days. Then she’d hitch hike across the Marvel Universe and proceed to kick everyone who said “Nah, don’t bother to try and save her” in the face. Including Joss Whedon. And then she’d rejoin the team, and we’d never speak of that again.)
7. Spiral (I just think she looks cool, okay?)
8. Armor (Whedon’s only decent addition to anything company owned ever, I think. Wolverine’s latest teen sidekick)
9. Jubilee (Wolverine’s old teen sidekick. Has her powers again. Can blow stuff up good. Is no longer a mall rat)
10. Cypher (Cunning linguist; doesn’t go in to battle, but does all the legwork a guy who can read any language (from sarcasm to binary) could do.)
11. Emma Frost (Shows up to get all the good lines every once in a while. I like her a lot, but she’s getting overexposed these days, so I’d use her sparingly.)
12. Shatterstar (He’s here! He’s queer! He’ll cut you if you make fun of his pony tail!)
13. Longshot (He’d be rocking a mullet and doing lucky things, just like when I was 12. NOSTALGIA!)
14. Psylocke (for when the artist really wants to draw camel toe and stabbing in the same panel)
15. Warlock (team mascot; can turn in to whatever set piece I feel like writing; can hang out with Cypher again)
16. Molly Hayes/Princess Powerful (would show up to be adorable/punch things at least every other issue)
17. Cannonball (would say “Mah blast field makes me practically invulnerable” once, then laugh, say “nah, really, people don’t talk like that, and also, remember that time I beat up Gladiator?” And that would be my and only slam on Chris Claremont’s writing.)
18. Siryn (Like Banshee if Banshee didn’t suck at everything. Always liked her.)
19. Iceman (I’d take a stab at making him live up to his potential, then probably kill him off in frustration 3 issues in.)
20. Xorn (He was real to me, damn it! Did they ever acknowledge Chuck Austen bringing him back at the end of his run?)

So, yeah, that would probably be as hated as every other X-Men run ever by people who read X-Men and hate it, I bet. I’d love to do it if I could ever be lucky enough to get a job writing comics.

Hey, Jerks, What Do You Think? Would any of these TV Shows I like make good comics?*:

1. Arrested Development
2. Veronica Mars
3. Family Guy
4. TNA Impact (well, I’ve liked it since Nigel McGuinness showed up and made Kurt Angle his whipping boy. OH NOES HE WROTE ABOUT WRASSLIN’ AGAIN! I WANTS MY MONEY BACKS! I will never forgive you for that, Stealthwise. And it wasn’t even in response to me! I don’t know why that angered me, but it did. Ahem.)
5. Dexter (I don’t consider those motion comics actual comics, even if Kyle Baker’s doing one. Sorry.)
6. Castle
7. Venture Brothers
8. How I Met Your Mother
9. ECW
10. Attack of the Show
11. Wolverine and the X-Men (why is there not a comic for the cartoon yet? It’s a pretty okay cartoon! Are the X-Men that tainted?)
12. Glee
13. The Craig Ferguson Show
14. Burn Notice
15. The Mentalist
16. The Office
17. 30 Rock

I mean, I’d read a Burn Notice: Year One comic, I bet, but I’m seriously not sure on some of these. There was a Family Guy fumetti thing, I know, but I’m wondering if they could do the cutaway thing in comics form effectively. Would the Mentalist work without Simon Baker being so amusing/charming? Would a 30 Rock comic just be Tracy Morgan running around naked while Judah Freidlander changes novelty hats? Would Dwight inevitably have a fight to the death with Wolverine if he existed in comics?

That’s It, I Quit, Go Ahead And Pick Your Nits Yeah, I got shit to do. Later, haters! And… indifferenters? Is that a word?

*I preemptively assume Apodaca thinks ever TV show I like sucks and will make a “they are not good TV shows” crack. That makes me sad. You used to not be so much like this when you were Madman Dan, Dan. I’m sure of it! That or I had better taste back then. I dunno. That was a long time ago.

P.S. Stealthwise just annoys me. Alan Coil, too. I can’t help it. So, when you both jumped on Chad for daring to write about wrestling (in a post titled “Random Thoughts”), that it was like the Four Horsemen jumping Dusty Rhodes. It made me so angry, and I wanted to see Magnum T.A. and Sting get their revenge on you in a steel cage. So, sorry? Should I apologize? I’ll apologize.

19 Comments

I think it helps to evaluate Buffy Season Eight not as a continuation of the show so much as a franchise superhero comic set in the Whedonverse. On those grounds, it’s well above the current industry average, due to that Whedon brand of self-referential humor mixed with gender representation issues and emotional brutality. But it’s not a true Buffy Season Eight, because Buffy was very unique for the medium of TV.

I like wrestling too, but would you really read a comic about it. I don’t think it’d translate well.

I like all of the following shows:
Arrested Development
The Venture Brothers
The Craig Ferguson Show
The Office
30 Rock

The following shows are terrible:
Family Guy
Attack of the Show (mainly because of Kevin Pereireireieireira)

I haven’t seen any of the other stuff. You’re probably right that I didn’t state my opinions so aggressively when I was 16, because, well, I was 16. But, if you remember, when I posted on the X-Boards as Madman Dan, I divided the posters into factions based on which book they preferred and then pitted them against each other. I also got into posting battles with Jean Grey and such.

The difference is that now I don’t waste my time having arguments on message boards. I read as I please, say my piece, then usually move right along. I think this way is better.

Glee would not make a good comic. Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some Glee, but, as you may have noticed, Glee is sort of about singing which is hard to capture in a medium without sound. I find it hard anyone watches Glee for its brilliant characterisation and plot. Just writing out song lyrics is not going to work.

Venture Brothers NEEDS a comic book series as long as it’s handled by the creators of the show. It’d make waiting between seasons (and now half-seasons… damn you, BSG, for starting this trend!!!) somewhat less painful.

I hate Joss Whedon. I though Astonishing X-Men was lame and giant space bullets even lamer. Why bring back one of the most loved X-Men only to kill off an even more loved X-Man. How long can he cling to Firefly and write terrible comics and still get love.

I think if you go into Old Man Logan looking for a summer blockbuster action movie extravaganza like Transformers or G.I. Joe, you’ll like it. If you go in looking for a character-driven indie roadtrip film with Hawkeye and Wolverine as John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph in Away We Go, you’ll hate it.

Veronica Mars would be fantastic as a comic book, if for no other reason than my wife would start reading them. Approach it like Dini’s first year on Detective Comics (mostly done-in-one, with a couple two-parters) and you’d have a marginal hit. Put a great writer on board and you’d sell even more copies.

Big Bang Theory would also make a hilariously meta comic, like Dan Slott’s She-Hulk. Probably would sell just as well, though, and that’s why it would never happen. Hey, remember when Marvel did that Mad Dog comic that tied into that Bob Newhart TV show about Bob Newhart being an old comic book writer? It’d be waaaay better than that, and they could work it into an episode of the TV series.*

* I had to go search Wikipedia for “Bob” in the middle of that paragraph just to verify that I didn’t imagine the whole thing. It really happened!

“Old Man Logan” started out fun-summer-movie, but ended up depressingly violent. Not just too violent (although it was for my tastes), but the violence in the final chapter was very grim. I think Millar & McNiven tried for over-the-top “fun” violence, but the Giant-Sized issue seemed to wallow in it in a way that made me never want to look at or read the comic again.

Buffy didn’t get at least a 6-issue reprieve from you with the most recent ish’s SGT. FURY cover homage? For shame. (Or maybe you got the other cover …)

So, now I’ve been compared to Edge AND Dusty Rhodes? Brad, you sweet talker you…

Kind of surprised to see you mention doing wrestling comics after the history of absolutely horrendous wrestling comics that have been done, but… hey, why not give it another shot?

Your X-Men list works for me. Though you might need to change the title to Legion of Mutant Heroes.

None of the TV shows would work as comics, tho.

i THOUGHT IT WAS JUST KITTY RIDING A GIANT DICK

MY BAD.

CHEERS,

B

Who Would Be On The X-Men If I Ran Marvel: A steady cast for more than two consecutive issues, dammit. Also, Rogue.

Why is Cyclops not on your list of X-Men? What the hell, man. You can’t have the X-Men without Cyclops.

” I hate Joss Whedon. I though Astonishing X-Men was lame and giant space bullets even lamer. Why bring back one of the most loved X-Men only to kill off an even more loved X-Man. How long can he cling to Firefly and write terrible comics and still get love. ”

So, because he killed off a character you like, he’s a terrible writer. Does that mean Chris Claremont sucks for killing off Jean way back when?

Is Cypher alive now? Or are you resurrecting him? I kind of liked the fact that his death lasted, as least for as long as I read mutant books regularly. (They could’ve brought him back several times in the ’90s for all I know.) I don’t like how characters get resurrected so much. If I were in charge, I’d keep all the dead people dead– except for Kitty and the Wasp. The people responsible for those deaths would be banned from comics forever.
Cypher was an okay character, but not that great. He did interact well with Warlock. The only problem is I hate Warlock.
I think if I were in charge of the X-Men, I would shrink the team down, to no more than seven or eight people. Like in the old days. (The others could still drop by and help out now and then.) Don’t you all agree that it would be good to have Wolverine gone, so that he would have time to do the stuff he does with all the other teams he’s in, and all his solo stuff?
And of course, once most of the X-Men have left and the team is down to a manageable size, the ones remaining would all be girls. That’s right, an all-female X-Men, just like we know Claremont wanted all along.
And it would go two or three issues, at least, between battles. Lots of personal life-type stuff. And slumber parties.

Cypher popped up just last week: *spoilers*

He’s some sort of zombie in the “X-Necrosha” books.

“So, because he killed off a character you like, he’s a terrible writer. Does that mean Chris Claremont sucks for killing off Jean way back when?”

No Jean’s death was cool. It wasn’t lame “I will ride a space bullet into the sun and you guys just chill here and don’t try to save me” I am all for character death if it makes a good story but this story was lame. And that was only the end of what I thought was a series of sub-par story telling. After the initial giddiness of wow they brought back Colossus I didn’t really enjoy the whole story with SWORD and going into space to fight a world of war-loving aliens. Plus all of the sudden every character in Astonishing became a master of witty one-liners and comebacks. The kind of character interaction that I loved so much in Firefly kind of annoyed me in this run because it didn’t feel fresh or sometimes didn’t seem to fit the character.

Why would Fantomex need to be on X-Men when he is such an amazing solo character? He could be Marvel’s Diabolik!

(Don’t know who Diabolik is? Search the internet!)

Best,
Hunter (Pedro Bouça)

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