Axel-In-Charge: Extending "Secret Wars," Excitement for a "Totally Awesome Hulk"
In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, getting away from all those super-hot team-ups, who are the comic book characters you would not want as a significant other? It turns out that there are quite a lot of very undesirable men and women in comic books, in fact I had a hard time choosing amongst them (and it wasn’t all super villains, although they are a pretty scary bunch), but even some of the so-called heroes leave a lot to be desired… I could have written 30 more, but for now, this is my list of the 10 least desirable characters in comic books:
Harley Quinn is crazy, we know this partly from her behavior, but mostly from her obsession with a certain pasty-faced psychopath. This is a man you do not want to fall asleep next to, unless you really don’t value your safety. You ever see the documentary Hearts of Darkness? Coppola famously said of making Apocalypse Now: “We had access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we went insane.” I’m pretty sure that even if you totally trusted the Joker, his way of life would eventually push you right off the deep end, and not in a fun wacky way, but in a drooling-on-yourself- and-crying-in-a-corner way. Not sexy. (We can probably make a blanket statement here and say that dating any Batman villain probably won’t end well.)
His attitude is dubious, he is definitely playful and well-intentioned and clearly would enjoy some intimacy, but that messed up healing factor is disturbing stuff. I’ve heard it said that crazy people are great in bed because they approach it with such abandon… that may be, but I don’t think this guy is worth it since his whole body is one constantly sloughing scar tissue. Where does that go? Does he wake up surrounded by huge sheets of dead skin like some kind of giant shedding reptile? No, can’t see that ending well.
This conflicted character has had her ups and downs over the years, but it is clear that at some point she used her psychic abilities to control the mind of Thor and rape him. Non-consensual sex is extremely off-putting, no matter how provocatively dressed she is. Now clearly this is something that Thor has been able to move on from, since he rarely mentions it, but it crosses the line of acceptable, respectful behavior in a potential partner.
Like the man said, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” Maybe I’m alone here, but a significant part of any relationship is being able to get mad at each other once in a while, (without accidentally injuring each other.) It isn’t that I enjoy fighting, but the ability to air differences and move on is essential and can even lead to some pretty great make-up sessions, so Hulk is definitely out.
Really doesn’t matter how good or bad she is or how beautiful, look at those adamantium nails. Worse; those terrifying nails extend! Personality aside and cyborg nature aside, those nails are the clincher, there is no way I’d get into bed with someone with nails that long and sharp in case she accidentally sliced me in half in the night.
There are many reasons why this villain would make a bad mate. Apart from his infrequently discussed broken heart (as so many super villains seem to have in their past), the fact that he always has to wear that full-face, metal mask all the time is not a good sign. It seems pretty clear that this would be a physical impediment to intimacy. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that in all likelihood, any super-being with a full face mask that they never remove (or is part of their actual face) is going to have a hard time finding people to date.
I doubt this is a popular opinion, but I do not dig little Scott Pilgrim. An under-employed, melodramatic, under-achiever, sleeping in the same bed as his roommate, fantasizing about girls he hardly knows… it all sounds a little too emo for me. Just get on with your life, at least sleep on the damn couch, and look for some work, even a damn internship. Most women have dated someone like this; hipster guys in bands, with no money and no passion for their own lives and work, who just create drama so that they can have something to do.
This may not be politically correct, or even fair, but I fear her giant breasts. Of course these things are a matter of taste, and some people do like gigantic breasts, but to me they look like they could easily smother a person. It is true that in some of her earlier incarnations her breasts were smaller, but these days (and for quite a while) she’s been rather top heavy. I can appreciate that she is attractive, but it is not my cup of tea. Her personality seems pretty great and I’m sure she’s very nice, but that bosom is just a little too epic for me.
Say what you like about a man’s ability to communicate with his body, but at some point you’re going to need to talk things out. How the hell are you meant to do that when even one word from him would destroy cities? Poor Black Bolt probably has the worst power of all the Inhumans (and they are a strange bunch so that’s saying something.) While there are times in my life when I’ve wanted a significant other to shut up, not ever having the option of him whispering sweet nothings in my ear would be a tragedy.
Fishnet stockings aside, her name implies highly communicable disease. Sure, it’s only a name, but it is not a good one. In addition, her mental problems make her an extremely bad choice as a partner; the split personality thing would make it impossible to build any kind of healthy connection with her. Ultimately it just doesn’t seem wise to get involved with this one at all.
This was difficult to write because I don’t tend to focus my attention on the comic book characters that I’m not into in some shape or form. Having said that, it felt like the balance to a list I wrote years ago of the most shaggable characters in comicbooks and I enjoyed subverting that sentiment. (Ironically, Black Bolt is on both these lists, which either says something about the difference between a shag and a partner, or just proves that I’m fickle.) I’ve done my best to pull together a list of the least attractive/desirable/datable comic book characters I could come up with, but I’m sure you have your own thoughts on the subject…
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