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Committed: The Least Desirable Characters in Comics

In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, getting away from all those super-hot team-ups, who are the comic book characters you would not want as a significant other? It turns out that there are quite a lot of very undesirable men and women in comic books, in fact I had a hard time choosing amongst them (and it wasn’t all super villains, although they are a pretty scary bunch), but even some of the so-called heroes leave a lot to be desired… I could have written 30 more, but for now, this is my list of the 10 least desirable characters in comic books:

Joker:
Harley Quinn is crazy, we know this partly from her behavior, but mostly from her obsession with a certain pasty-faced psychopath. This is a man you do not want to fall asleep next to, unless you really don’t value your safety. You ever see the documentary Hearts of Darkness? Coppola famously said of making Apocalypse Now: “We had access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we went insane.” I’m pretty sure that even if you totally trusted the Joker, his way of life would eventually push you right off the deep end, and not in a fun wacky way, but in a drooling-on-yourself- and-crying-in-a-corner way. Not sexy. (We can probably make a blanket statement here and say that dating any Batman villain probably won’t end well.)

Deadpool:
His attitude is dubious, he is definitely playful and well-intentioned and clearly would enjoy some intimacy, but that messed up healing factor is disturbing stuff. I’ve heard it said that crazy people are great in bed because they approach it with such abandon… that may be, but I don’t think this guy is worth it since his whole body is one constantly sloughing scar tissue. Where does that go? Does he wake up surrounded by huge sheets of dead skin like some kind of giant shedding reptile? No, can’t see that ending well.

Moondragon:
This conflicted character has had her ups and downs over the years, but it is clear that at some point she used her psychic abilities to control the mind of Thor and rape him. Non-consensual sex is extremely off-putting, no matter how provocatively dressed she is. Now clearly  this is something that Thor has been able to move on from, since he rarely mentions it, but it crosses the line of acceptable, respectful behavior in a potential partner.

Hulk:
Like the man said, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” Maybe I’m alone here, but a significant part of any relationship is being able to get mad at each other once in a while, (without accidentally injuring each other.) It isn’t that I enjoy fighting, but the ability to air differences and move on is essential and can even lead to some pretty great make-up sessions, so Hulk is definitely out.

Lady Deathstrike:
Really doesn’t matter how good or bad she is or how beautiful, look at those adamantium nails. Worse; those terrifying nails extend! Personality aside and cyborg nature aside, those nails are the clincher, there is no way I’d get into bed with someone with nails that long and sharp in case she accidentally sliced me in half in the night.

Doctor Doom:
There are many reasons why this villain would make a bad mate. Apart from his infrequently discussed broken heart (as so many super villains seem to have in their past), the fact that he always has to wear that full-face, metal mask all the time is not a good sign. It seems pretty clear that this would be a physical impediment to intimacy. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that in all likelihood, any super-being with a full face mask that they never remove (or is part of their actual face) is going to have a hard time finding people to date.

Scott Pilgrim:
I doubt this is a popular opinion, but I do not dig little Scott Pilgrim. An under-employed, melodramatic, under-achiever, sleeping in the same bed as his roommate, fantasizing about girls he hardly knows… it all sounds a little too emo for me. Just get on with your life, at least sleep on the damn couch, and look for some work, even a damn internship. Most women have dated someone like this; hipster guys in bands, with no money and no passion for their own lives and work, who just create drama so that they can have something to do.

Power Girl:
This may not be politically correct, or even fair, but I fear her giant breasts. Of course these things are a matter of taste, and some people do like gigantic breasts, but to me they look like they could easily smother a person. It is true that in some of her earlier incarnations her breasts were smaller, but these days (and for quite a while) she’s been rather top heavy. I can appreciate that she is attractive, but it is not my cup of tea. Her personality seems pretty great and I’m sure she’s very nice, but that bosom is just a little too epic for me.

Black Bolt:
Say what you like about a man’s ability to communicate with his body, but at some point you’re going to need to talk things out. How the hell are you meant to do that when even one word from him would destroy cities? Poor Black Bolt probably has the worst power of all the Inhumans (and they are a strange bunch so that’s saying something.) While there are times in my life when I’ve wanted a significant other to shut up, not ever having the option of him whispering sweet nothings in my ear would be a tragedy.

Typhoid Mary:
Fishnet stockings aside, her name implies highly communicable disease. Sure, it’s only a name, but it is not a good one. In addition, her mental problems make her an extremely bad choice as a partner; the split personality thing would make it impossible to build any kind of healthy connection with her. Ultimately it just doesn’t seem wise to get involved with this one at all.

This was difficult to write because I don’t tend to focus my attention on the comic book characters that I’m not into in some shape or form. Having said that, it felt like the balance to a list I wrote years ago of the most shaggable characters in comicbooks and I enjoyed subverting that sentiment. (Ironically, Black Bolt is on both these lists, which either says something about the difference between a shag and a partner, or just proves that I’m fickle.) I’ve done my best to pull together a list of the least attractive/desirable/datable comic book characters I could come up with, but I’m sure you have your own thoughts on the subject…

34 Comments

Moonstone!!! She’s scary.

Matt Murdock — his girl friends tend to have a rough time of it even when it isn’t fatal. With a track record like his, any girl that doesn’t run the moment he shows up is looking for a Darwin award.

The way you described/talked about Scott Pilgrim it sounds like you haven’t even read the books.

Well, if you’re talking about people whose girlfriends always meet a bad end, DD does stand out, but the main thing is to never, ever date Kyle Rayner.

The way you described/talked about Scott Pilgrim it sounds like you haven’t even read the books.

I loved the Scott Pilgrim books, but his defining feature is that he’s a complete dick about women, and gets away with it by being adorable and not remembering anything he’s done.

I’m a huge Scott Pilgrim fan, but even I can see she’s characterized him quite correctly.

I think with Deadpool I’d concentrate more on the fact that he’s nearly as violently random as the Joker than I would his skin condition. One of the concerns with a crazy person that can heal from virtually anything is that he forgets that others can’t.
“What, I like being stabbed through the chest with a katana at the point of orgasm, don’t you?”

I was going to mention Matt Murdock but someone beat me to it. Yet another reason to be in awe of the Black Widow is how she managed to have a relationship with him and came out completely unharmed.

Oddly, almost all of the ones mentioned have had romantic relationships at times.

I can think of at least a dozen X-Men I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with, nevermind touch or *shudder* kiss.

glad i am not the only one who always thought some one dating the joker is asking for trouble. though would add Magnetoe to the list and batman also.

I dated a girl who was major into villains. She thinks that the Joker is the sexiest thing alive. Some people are into crazy.

Also, why is Powergirl on the list? She’s the best! Sure, her busy lifestyle would make it difficult for a committed relationship (see ex-girlfriend who was into villains) but she can fly! And, yeah, her boobs are comically massive but that would be a shallow reason not to date someone, no? And she maintains a pretty amazing figure considering anyway. Have you seen her hips?

PG is probably the most well adjusted female in comics. And of all the Superheroes in the DCU I’d pick her first. Wonder Woman, I’d be too intimidated to approach (the fact that Batwoman asked her out in WW 600 just makes me respect the hell out of Kate even more). Supergirl is too young for me. Stephenie Brown is too spastic. Barda is already married. Ditto Lois. Catwoman is a clepto. Cass Cain has issues.

Powergirl is pretty much DC’s most eligible bachelorette . Also, did I mention she could fly?

I just appreciate your inclusion of that Elektra:Assasin cover. One of the best and most under appreciated comics ever.
Which begs the question: where is Garret on your desirability-meter?

c’mon Tigras gotta be a little itchy

From the Marvel U, Mantis and Man-Killer are my least desirable based on the names alone.

Power Girl has [subtle] anger issues, that are probably exacerbated somewhat by the way she’s ogled, and the fact that her whole universe was destroyed.
But, even if you were able to look past her incredible (and incredibly intimidating figure) there’s still anger issues that’d just make it tuff to deal with over time.

On the other hand, Typhoid Mary . . . I could fall for. Sorry, it’s true, the drama would be fun while it lasted I bet.
Could probably say the same thing about Harley Quinn.

I think Matt Murdock gets a pass because: HIGHTENED SENSES and ACROBAT.

Should be on the list: Tony Stark–unless you can handle an open relationship, could. not. do. it.

Commissioner James Gordon: Guy puts everyone in his life through the wringer and is married to his job.

Any member of Doom Patrol.

Moondragon raped Thor?? OK, now that even I didn’t know. Assuming it’s not just a rumor. Though I can see her doing it, that woman has a lot of issues, and I don’t mean of Playboy.

Btw have you noticed how if a male character is raped, it hardly ever gets mentioned again? It also happened to Green Arrow and Nightwing, but you’d only know about it if resulted in a child. Female characters, sadly, never seem to live it down- does anyone remember Sue Dibny these days as anything else than the woman Dr. Light raped? Sheesh.

Oh, and btw, Dr. Doom is indeed horribly scarred- and he did to himself, the scar that he blames Reed Richards for getting was no big deal, but his ego could not take it, and he put on the iron mask to hide it WHILE IT WAS STILL RED HOT.

Least datable female in super-hero comics? Rogue. Sure, she has her powers under control now, but she still has that friggin’ accent, sugah.

Blastaar- Ugly as hell, huge ego, bad tempered, blows things up with his hands, and I just can’t imagine that all that fur smells like anything good.

Mogo- Mogo don’t socialize.

Betty Ross- Overwraught milksop cypher with no personality, always leaving or returning.

Any character of either sex whose body parts in intimate contact with yours are strong enough (or change size fast enough) to rip or pinch yours in half. I loved Superman’s warning to his daughter in Miller’s DK2.

Lashina- no wait, I would totally date her! Just not survive…

Was this article originally written for Wizard before they shut down the magazine?

It’s true, Sijo.

Moondragon raped Thor in Jim Shooter’s second run of the Avengers. It was more or less the ugly culmination of her goddess complex, thinking she should have a godly companion or something like that.

And it’s a huge double standard. When a woman abuses a man, it’s considered less serious (and sometimes not serious at all). The flip side of being the “dominant” gender is that you’re not allowed to have feelings of violation, no matter how entitled you may be to them.

Sonia –

Can’t argue with your choices, except for two. Power Girl is a super-sexy goddess, and I don’t mind looking like a nerd for saying so. Smothered by those puppies? Not a bad way to die. I also disagree about Black Bolt. There is a sign language, you know. I have a lot of deaf friends (I know a woman that teaches in sign language), and the general consensus is that deaf-mute people are very sensitive lovers and companions.

I also can see how some women could dig Dr. Doom, despite the face. All those aristocratic manners and all. The dude is the ruler of his own country, after all. And I know it’s not politically correct to say so, but there are women that are attracted to domineering man, and no one is more domineering than Doom.

Venom – Threesomes are no fun if the other people are only thinking about each other and one of them is a liquid alien parasite. Best case scenario: he dumps you for the suit. Worst case scenario: the suit dumps him for you.

The Scarecrow – If you think dating the Joker is a one-way ticket on the crazy train, imagine a guy with a literal terror fetish.

Donna Troy – There comes a point in every relationship where a person decides to tell his or her partner something about himself or herself – and it will probably come up sooner rather than later with Donna as she has no discernable personality and therefore not much else to talk about – and nothing in the universe is worth having to feign interest – or comprehension – in Donna Troy’s backstory.

Taskmaster – Eventually it will dawn on you that you are 100 percent certain that he is using moves he picked up from a porn actor, and you will never be able to look him in the eye again.

Gorilla Grodd – ‘Nuff said.

I completely disagree on your choice of Power Girl. She’s my favorite DC character and one of the few I actually like from the Distinguished Competition. And I like her for more than just the fantastic figure (both top and bottom, at least when drawn by Amanda Connor). She’s self-confident, completely aware and comfortable with her exaggerated figure and general sexiness, and doesn’t have a lot of hang-ups. Her anger issues don’t bother me – I have those too and angry sex is sometimes the best.

But I think it’s very funny that you don’t like her for the same reason most fanboys DO like her.

Thank you, Sonia, for making legit list, unlike G4TV’s ridiculously sexist article about female characters who shouldn’t be dated.

“her giant breasts… could easily smother a person” – well, if you gotta go, might as well go happy…

As far as Blackbolt i’ve never understood why he can’t just use American Sign Language to communicate (ASL) it’s a beautiful language, you can clearly communicate and express ideas without uttering a sound. Ever since learning sign language a few years ago i never understood this overly dramatic idea of a character who can’t speak without destroying things thus everyone around him has to “figure out” or “interpret” his intention …eyeroll…He could easily use sign language, it’s not that complicated people.

Blackbolt is typically shown using a form of sign language, but one only understood by the Inuman royal family. Most artists don’t feel like doing an entire page of complicated hand signals (even though that sounds totally cool) and usually only show a single motion. But I bet Kevin Maguire could do it.

The people downplaying Power Girl’s anger issues seem to have forgotten just how strong she is. She-Hulk is a better bet. She has fewer anger issues and fewer super-powered villains with grudges (wouldn’t want to be the first boyfriend in a refrigerator).

I’m going to second the Venom vote. Crazy AND has a jealous partner? No thanks!

Hank Pym. No need to explain, I think.

If the mask for Dr. Doom is the only thing holding you back, why not take a gander at Mark Waid’s “Unthinkable” Fantastic Four storyline. You’ll have a whole new reason to never date him when you see what he does to his first love Valeria. Using magic to skin your old flame and then wearing said skin as a new form of armour has to rank up there with the least desirable traits in a boyfriend.

I’ve always assumed that Black Bolt doesn’t use ASL because he’s not American.

re Dr Doom, for some reason Madame Masque doesn’t seem to present such a problem to the men of the Marvel universe (Parker Robbins, Tony Stark).

Man-Thing. Low scores in the looks department, plus remember: whatever knows fear burns at the Man-Thing’s touch? That’s a deal-breaker for me.

A Certain Type of X-Men Fan

February 17, 2011 at 7:09 pm

The Mutt said:
“I can think of at least a dozen X-Men I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with, nevermind touch or *shudder* kiss.”

Anti-mutant bigot!!
(Flounces out of room.)

Is there any comic book character that would make a good romantic partner?

If your premise encompasses every single character ever invented, it probably needs a bit of narrowing down.

ZZZ wins the comment section for bringing up Taskmaster and Venom. Now I can’t even look at the characters the same way.

Um, wow.
Peej not dateable because her boobs are Too Big? Well, if she were real, I hope she wouldn’t date you anyways.
FYI: unless women are actually able to afford it (which many aren’t btw), they can’t really do much about the size of their breasts.

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