Charlie Sheen vs. Comics: The Definitive Guide
Despite civil unrest and political strife in various nations, and a recent natural disaster, there remains one news story that towers above all the rest, and has caused all the world’s people to band together in solidarity– yes, I’m speaking of Charlie Sheen’s continual public meltdown, which has provided a seemingly endless series of new and increasingly bizarre stories delivered to us instantaneously by our ceaseless media. With Sheen himself using the internet’s powers to accelerate his own apparent self-destruction– an explosive one, not implosive– citizens of every nation with an accessible modem have joined together to say “Yes, this man is a wild and craaazy guy!” Naturally, the artists and visionaries working within the medium of comics have made their voices heard as well. Therefore, I bring you the world’s most comprehensive guide to comics’ response to the Sheen meme– a Sheenday Brunch, if you will. Dive into the rabbit hole with me, my friends, and find out who is “winning,” who is “bi-winning,” and who is “Two-and-a-Half-winning.”
In chronological order (click the supplied links for the full pieces):
25 February 2011: Michael Kupperman serves up the first pitch:
WINNER: Comics, for revealing Sheen as the giant-headed, universal sad sack he will inevitably become.
28 February 2011: Intrepid souls Jon L. and Chris D. turn the Sheen Media Circus into The Sheen Family Circus. Hilarity ensues:
WINNER: Charlie Sheen, for providing the means by which The Family Circus could become funny and relevant, possibly for the very first time.
1 March 2011: Next, Charlie Sheen invaded the New Yorker:
WINNER: Charlie Sheen, for permanently winning the New Yorker Caption Contest.
WINNER: I think we have to call this one a tie.
3 March 2011: J. Scott Campbell deploys his ordnance to the ground:
WINNER: Charlie Sheen, not just for leading the Thundercats, but for featuring in the greatest picture J. Scott Campbell has ever drawn.
3 March 2011: Not to be outdone by the previous link, an actual New Yorker cartoonist, Robert Mankoff, inserts Sheen into New Yorker cartoons:
3 March 2011: Susie Cagle at Urlesque draws Charlie Sheen invading our most sacred of texts, the Sunday newspaper comics page:
WINNER: Sheen, for taking that unholy beast Marmaduke down a peg.
3 March 2011: Archie artist Fernando Ruiz provides Comics Alliance with a crossover to rival Archie Meets the Punisher:
WINNER: Sheen, for solving Archie’s decades-old dilemma in seconds.
5 March 2011: Ty “The Guy” Templeton provides Charlie Sheen with his greatest opponent yet– Galactus!:
WINNER: Surprisingly, Charlie Sheen. (Click the link.) His ego is enough to sate the mighty hunger of The Devourer of Worlds, and is impervious to the Ultimate Nullifier.
7 March 2011: Ben Christian and Cory Smith send in the only operative who could stop Charlie Sheen, and top his craziness– Deadpool:
WINNER: Deadpool– and therefore, Comics! The Merc with a Mouth topples the Vatican Assassin Warlock with a hot shot.
8 March 2011: Kate Beaton finds another terrific opponent for Charlie Sheen– Marge Gunderson!:
WINNER: Comics! Leave it to Beaton to deliver the ultimate burn, in a way we didn’t even know was possible.
8 March 2011: The inevitable finally occurs, and Bluewater announces a Charlie Sheen bio-comic:
WINNER: If this is half as crazy-awesome as their Betty White comic– and I can’t see how it won’t be– Bluewater, and therefore Comics, wins this round.
FINAL SCORE: The numbers, and drug tests, don’t lie, baby! At 6-5-1, the winner, bi-winner, and still champion of the media is the one, the only, the tyger-tyger-blood-burning-brightly, Charlie Sheen! At this point, there’s only one thing that can bring his media onslaught to an end– Hostess fruit pie and snack cakes! (Come on, artists; let’s see Charlie brought low by real fruit filling!)
The above are all the Sheen-related comics I was able to find out in the wilds of the internet, but if you, dear reader, know of more, send the URLs my way! That’s billjreed at gmail dot com, gang. And yes, the above article is how I use my awesome librarian skills.
Of course, if you’re completely sick of hearing about Charlie Sheen, as you probably are, and you’re hoping this furor will just go away, have I got the thing for you! Tinted Sheen is a plug-in for your Firefox or Google Chrome browser that will remove any trace of Charlie Sheen or his visage from the internet– and having tested it out, it makes this very article you’ve just read totally unreadable, as opposed to just nigh-unreadable.
And for those of you who have been missing my Sunday Brunch linkblogs, and want more delicious links, sans Sheen, you have but to only step over to my other blog (that no one reads), and journey into the Phrenolog, wherein I draw your attention to various cool bits and bobs from all corners of our popular culture, and provide half-formed thoughts on various subjects.