"You sure did me a solid by writing that awful JLA comic," Loeb was overheard saying to Robinson at Comic Con, according to Broken News's crack spies on the convention floor.*

"I mean, it was really starting to get to me, all of the people on blogs and message boards talking about how terrible my work was," Loeb confessed to Robinson in a down moment between panels and signings. At a men's room urinal.

"Especially at Comics Should Be Good," Loeb continued. "Despite my decades long career as a working writer, you can only have skin so thick, and that T. guy is pretty scathing. I'll admit, he made me cry a couple times."

Robinson was apparently silent on the matter, as he (understandably) was quite dumbfounded that any colleague would so casually denigrate his work. Especially that hack Jeph Loeb.

"I mean, you should see the stuff I have planned for Ultimatum 2: Ultimatumer!" Loeb said, following, Robinson out of the men's room. "It's awful! I'm really not trying anymore! But man, people probably won't even notice now that you're the new whipping boy! Especially when they see that scene where Green Arrow talks about that threesome with Huntress and Lady Blackhawk that Didio was passing around the original art for at DC's secret mobile frat house! That will even make the Hulk/Wasp necrophilia scene seem tame, somehow!" By this point, Robinson was making a hasty retreat out of the convention center, towards his hotel, and Loeb was yelling this at him. With a bullhorn. I have no idea why no one else broke this. Or why it took so long to post this.***

*This squad consists of winos, hobos, Lou Ferigno, and Twilight fans. The real dregs of society, in other words.**

**Just kidding. Everyone but Twilight fans are okay in my book.

***Yeah I do. I forgot it existed.

33 Comments

• At September 20, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  Loeb seems to have restricted himself to the comparatively inoffensive Red Hulk stuff lately, which is merely dumb rather than ...

• At September 20, 2009, Zor-El of Argo wrote:

  Does Loeb have any original ideas? It seems everytime I pick up a DC comic with his name on it, ...

• At September 20, 2009, Tom Fitzpatrick wrote:

  I don't know why everyone can't be mad at BOTH Loeb and Robinson.

  We should ALL be equally MAD at everyone ...

• At September 20, 2009, Alan Coil wrote:

  But at least the Robinson stuff is readable.

• At September 20, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  But at least the Robinson stuff is readable.

  Honestly, when his plotting and characterization are this off I find Robinson's style ...

• At September 20, 2009, Inside Joke wrote:

  Console yourself however you want, but this was not funny. Nothing you've written over the past few months has ...

• At September 20, 2009, MarkAndrew wrote:

  Well, not everyone can be as witty as you Inside joke.

  I gave this post a chance because the premise seemed ...

• At September 20, 2009, Inside Joke wrote:

  I don't preface my comments by saying that they are intended to be comedic. Never have.

• At September 20, 2009, Nitz the Bloody wrote:

  " Honestly, when his plotting and characterization are this off I find Robinson's style of dialogue writing to be very ...

• At September 20, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  In theory, word balloon emphases are meant to convey stresses in a spoken sentence. Some writers, it even works ...

• At September 20, 2009, Ted wrote:

  I just wanted to be Ted. There is no reason for me to be Ted. But I am TED!

• At September 20, 2009, Ted wrote:

  I just wanted to be Ted. There is no reason for me to be Ted. But I am TED!

  I know, ...

• At September 20, 2009, Ted wrote:

  Anyway, how the fuck am I supposed to make sense of this, Brad? You use the three asterisk before the ...

• At September 20, 2009, Ted wrote:

  Steve Engelhart seemed to use it the way textbooks use bolding, to point out the narratively important words.

  My assumption was ...

• At September 21, 2009, Wraith wrote:

  This post? Yes, it was funny. Carry on.

  (Except you, James Robinson. Stop sucking it up.)

• At September 21, 2009, Dan Bailey wrote:

  >>But Robinson? I've tried "hearing" his stresses in my mind, and I've never figured out how his characters are meant ...

• At September 21, 2009, Brian wrote:

  In all seriousness, can we all just talk a bit about how/why Robinson got into this mess?

  The guy wrote Starman ...

• At September 21, 2009, T. wrote:

  Kirby's dialogue didn't bother me all that much. Then again I never got the impression he was ever aiming ...

• At September 21, 2009, Derick wrote:

  Come on, this guy gave us Starman. Give him a break.

  Even Alan Moore had his bad comics (Vodoo, Violator ...

• At September 21, 2009, Brian wrote:

  But that's exactly why many of us find Robinson's work on Cry for Justice so jarringly bad. It's the guy ...

• At September 21, 2009, Nitz the Bloody wrote:

  " In theory, word balloon emphases are meant to convey stresses in a spoken sentence. Some writers, it even works ...

• At September 21, 2009, Neal K wrote:

  I am one of those who had missed the boat on Starman, and was seriously considering picking up the first ...

• At September 21, 2009, T. wrote:

  I haven't tried Starman yet but always planned to. Now after I've seen Face the Face and Justice League, ...

• At September 21, 2009, Brad Curran wrote:

  "Kirby's dialogue didn't bother me all that much. Then again I never got the impression he was ever aiming for ...

• At September 21, 2009, Brad Curran wrote:

  Not to give Inside Joke more attention than he deserves, but that disclaimer was there because the last time I ...

• At September 21, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  I thought the same of Starman, T., but you go back and read those early issues and it's doing something ...

• At September 21, 2009, Dean wrote:

  STARMAN is great and so is THE GOLDEN AGE. James Robinson can write great comics, but he cannot overcome ...

• At September 21, 2009, T. wrote:

  Omar, good points.

  Dean, I could totally see an artist better with facial expressions making both those scenes' dialogue less painful ...

• At September 21, 2009, Dean wrote:

  @ T.

  I am not arguing that it would be a masterpiece, just better. A move from an "F" to ...

• At September 21, 2009, T. wrote:

  Ah okay, totally agree then.

• At September 21, 2009, Inside Joke wrote:

  Fair enough, Brad. I know the content is free, and I don't have to click on the links with ...

• At September 21, 2009, Inside Joke wrote:

  as an addendum: and if people are allowed to bluntly criticize and malign the honest, hard work done by the ...

• At September 22, 2009, danjack wrote:

  Actually, i thot that this was amusing.

  Just in case y'all wanted to know what i thot.

  Oh, you didn't.

  My bad.

  By ...

I get it. The first issue of James Robinson's Justice League comic is bad. Really, really bad. Terrible. Risible. Like a Frankenstein's monster of all the hacky cliches everyone hates about modern superhero comics (or it's an average DC comic, if you're T.). It is the worst thing in the history of ever, at least until the next issue comes out, or Jeph Loeb ups the ante with Ultimatum 2: Ultimatumer, Or: There's Still Some Meat On Ultimate Wasp's Corpse! Get To It Blob!

So, if you wanted even people who were pretty well ignoring it (including Joe Sacco, apparently) to know it's risibly bad, mission accomplished. I'm pretty sure they know on the moon now. So, really, unless you are Abhay, Jeff Lester, or someone else who I like to read no matter what dumb crap they're reviewing, you can all shut the hell up about it forever now.

Sincerely,

The One Guy On The Internet That Did Not Purchase This Comic And Missed Out On A Chance To Mock It Before It Became Cliched, But Is Not Bitter About It At All, Seriously, And Can You Believe This Is Also On My Business Card? That cost a ton,

Brad Curran

P.S.: Is it still funny to point out that the logo looks like it says "Gay for Justice"? Was it ever? Is Chris Butcher going to put me on "the list" if I say it's funny? Does Chris Butcher have a list? Does he still read this blog despite our fear of penises being on par with the women in South Park? Is Cronin pissed because I brought all that up again? Will Omar Karindu and Apodaca ever admit their secret love for one another? When did this turn in to a Days of Our Lives teaser?

58 Comments

• At July 7, 2009, Prof. Adrian Zoom wrote:

  am i the only guy that liked the book? :/

• At July 7, 2009, Squashua wrote:

  Probably.

  I cry "justice" for my $4 back.

• At July 7, 2009, Kevin wrote:

  I agree 100% with everything you wrote, Mr. Curran. I would also like to add that I didn't read it, ...

• At July 7, 2009, julian wrote:

  i liked the book too!

• At July 7, 2009, kilmoonie wrote:

  People are being a little harsh on the book, but it wasn't that good. Compared to a lot of trash ...

• At July 7, 2009, Chris wrote:

  I liked it. I admit I thought a couple lines came off a bit corny, but overall I really ...

• At July 7, 2009, Lorendiac wrote:

  Actually, it looks like there's at least TWO of us guys on the Internet who didn't buy it and missed ...

• At July 7, 2009, tucker Stone wrote:

  The beating of that dead horse was worth it just for all the stuff you wrote after "Sincerely". Good show.

• At July 7, 2009, Sijo wrote:

  Does "Cry for Justice" feature any rape, gore, dismemberment or cannibalism? If the answer is "no" then it was not ...

• At July 7, 2009, Aqualad wrote:

  It's not THAT bad...people just like to dogpile on things to feel part of the in-crowd (One More Day, Death ...

• At July 7, 2009, Michael "McK" Xavier wrote:

  At worst, the dialog was bad and hackneyed, which is so unlike Robinson.

  But the art was great. And I ...

• At July 7, 2009, Eric TF Bat wrote:

  @Sijo: apparently it features the meaningless death of a black superhero. Perhaps "black" is the new "female"? I ...

• At July 7, 2009, David Uzumeri wrote:

  For my part, I just want to make it clear this was the timeline of my Cry For Justice review-writing ...

• At July 7, 2009, Jack Norris wrote:

  Curran's massively overreacting to an (actually not that big a deal) overreaction.

  Maybe someone should overreact to his overreaction to ...

• At July 7, 2009, R3D RJ wrote:

  It's disappointing that for the longest time the main JLA book is not what I've been enjoying over the last ...

• At July 7, 2009, Mr Wesley wrote:

  @Aqualad:

  I have not read the book yet. Having said that, I don't think the reviewers are dogpiling on the book. ...

• At July 7, 2009, Chris Jones wrote:

  "Does “Cry for Justice” feature any rape, gore, dismemberment or cannibalism? If the answer is “no” then it was not ...

• At July 7, 2009, Alan Coil wrote:

  I liked it, but I'm not the one writing the reviews while trying to show my peers how witty I ...

• At July 7, 2009, Michael P. wrote:

  Hey, fondle the balls a bit while you're down there, Alan.

• At July 7, 2009, The Ugly American wrote:

  “Does “Cry for Justice” feature any rape, gore, dismemberment or cannibalism? If the answer is “no” then it was not ...

• At July 7, 2009, Mr Wesley wrote:

  @Alan Coil:

  You're making it sound like all reviewers are more concerned with impressing other reviewers, like they were all 12-year-olds. ...

• At July 7, 2009, Andrew Collins wrote:

  I'm beginning to feel like a member of an exclusive club here, the "Didn't Buy Cry For Justice #1 and ...

• At July 7, 2009, Rohan Williams wrote:

  "Everybody KNEW this was going to be the next Watchmen..."

  These people deserve to be disappointed.

• At July 7, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  I wasn't aware it was "secret."

  Also, Cry for Gay Justice sucks. It could've worked as a concept, but it ...

• At July 7, 2009, Cass wrote:

  Omar Karindu and Apodaca are gay? (Here's the part where one of you chimes in "For Justice!") Hmmm, no, no, ...

• At July 7, 2009, Cass wrote:

  Hmmm, just as I was typing that, Omar responded with something witty and terse. You're doin it backwards, man! See ...

• At July 7, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  Hey, babe, take a walk on the Wilde side.

• At July 7, 2009, FunkyGreenJerusalem wrote:

  Maybe someone should overreact to his overreaction to the overreaction, and then someone could overreact to THAT overreaction, and so ...

• At July 8, 2009, Chris Jones wrote:

  "That post was so bad, and so pointless, that I forced an abortion upon my seven month pregnant girlfriend, just ...

• At July 8, 2009, T. wrote:

  My theory about the "overreaction" to Justice League is this.

  You know how you do something really trivial and your significant ...

• At July 8, 2009, Snapper wrote:

  I loved it, fantastic art, introduction to the main players and extras in the back (Len Wein Congo Bill!!). Definitely ...

• At July 8, 2009, Ron wrote:

  The book was bad. We deserve JUSTICE.

  JUSTICE!!!!!!

• At July 8, 2009, Nick Marino wrote:

  ULTIMATUMER!!!!!!!!

• At July 8, 2009, Sijo wrote:

  -" “Does “Cry for Justice” feature any rape, gore, dismemberment or cannibalism? If the answer is “no” then it was ...

• At July 8, 2009, badspock wrote:

  @Sijo: May I suggest a safe, gore-free alternative for you? Owly seems right up your alley.

  All kidding aside, I agree ...

• At July 8, 2009, Chris Jones wrote:

  Sijo: I don't LIKE the things with blood and gore and I don't LIKE things WITHOUT blood and gore.

  I like ...

• At July 8, 2009, Sad Professor wrote:

  Geez, you guys are taking this way too seriously.

  The facts are these: "Cry For Justice" isn't just a bad comic, ...

• At July 8, 2009, Sijo wrote:

  @badspock: you're correct, if the world of superheroes WERE realistic, horrible things would happen *a lot*. But I buy superheroes ...

• At July 8, 2009, phenol wrote:

  You know how movie studios delay the opening dates of stinkers by sometimes years before they let them slide out? ...

• At July 8, 2009, FunkyGreenJerusalem wrote:

  It’s a combination of so many cliches that we’ve been subjected to repeatedly for the past few years, from whiny ...

• At July 8, 2009, T. wrote:

  Yeah, Avengers really has gone off the rails.

  Avengers is definitely lacking direction and focus these days and riddled with cliches, ...

• At July 8, 2009, FunkyGreenJerusalem wrote:

  I haven't read Robinson's Justice League - I thought you meant like 'Justice League' all up as a book/concept the ...

• At July 8, 2009, Omar Karindu, with the power of SUPER-hypocrisy! wrote:

  Avengers is definitely lacking direction and focus these days and riddled with cliches, but you can’t seriously believe it’s in ...

• At July 8, 2009, Ted wrote:

  Sijo: "But NO book of theirs is safe to read anymore (except their children’s line) and I won’t buy them ...

• At July 9, 2009, badspock wrote:

  @Sijo: While I don't necessarily agree, I Do see where you're coming from. Think on it like this-the money you ...

• At July 9, 2009, T. wrote:

  @Sijo: While I don’t necessarily agree, I Do see where you’re coming from. Think on it like this-the money you ...

• At July 9, 2009, Wesley wrote:

  @Ted & badspock:

  Two words: Sgt. Rock.

  I was just reading the second Showcase volume last night, and it's the furthest thing ...

• At July 9, 2009, Anonymous wrote:

  @Wesley

  "furthest thing from the torture porn and graphic violence ... that Sijo’s talking about"

  But THAT'S not what Sijo's talking about. ...

• At July 9, 2009, Ted wrote:

  Sorry, that was me above.

• At July 9, 2009, T. wrote:

  Wesley - great call with Sgt. Rock. Discovered it at my public library in archives form and was really ...

• At July 9, 2009, Daiyongo wrote:

  I agree with T and Sijo on this.

  If these creators want to do schlock and gore DC should just ...

• At July 9, 2009, Ted wrote:

  I feel like I'm arguing against a brick wall.

  Sijo isn't arguing for a "middle ground". He is arguing for the ...

• At July 9, 2009, T. wrote:

  Sijo to me is arguing for a middle ground. He didn't say he wanted nothing bad to ever happen, ...

• At July 9, 2009, badspock wrote:

  @ T: I pointed out SA stuff because the archives and Showcases are readily available pretty much everywhere, while trades ...

• At July 9, 2009, Wesley wrote:

  @T:

  Well said. I was trying to say the same thing, and it took me three times as long to say ...

• At July 9, 2009, Sijo wrote:

  Wow, I seem to have stirred up some controversy. That wasn't my intention, but, as long as it is conversation ...

• At July 9, 2009, Mr Wesley wrote:

  I just want to pop in to say that Steven Grant addresses this issue (or the issue this has turned ...

• At July 24, 2009, Funnybook Babylon · Archives · FBBP #104 - Two Greeks and a Cry for Justice wrote:

  [...] we recorded this podcast, Justice League: Cry for Justice has been dogpiled by an all-star cast of bloggers. It ...

Item- Mark Millar's Grocery List Optioned For Big Screen Adaptation!
Even Millar kind of puzzled, bemused by that one

You might think that any writing Mark Millar does that isn't about characters Marvel owns automatically gets a movie development deal. You would be correct. To an absurd degree!

In news that even took the usually tireless self promoter Millar aback, a grocery list that he inadverdantly mailed to Paramount Pictures along with a treatment for Chosen II: I Just Finished Watching The Rest Of The Omen Series Of Films And Want To Write A Story That "Homages" Them, Too (Working Title) has been optioned by the studio.

In an e-mail obtained by CBSG's crack team of breaking and entering experts investigative reporters, a high profile Hollywood producer whose name I just can't be bothered to remember seemed quite excited by Millar's shopping list.

"Marky baby, really mind blowing, envelope pushing stuff! Eggs, milk, and toaster strudels? That's got mainstream appeal! But you don't leave out the ethnic types with elements like curry and ramen! Can't wait to start rolling on it, pal! It's gonna be big! We already have Morgan Freeman attached. I mean, he's just in every seventh movie released in a year now, but still; instant gravitas!"

Variety also announced the news, in their unique style.

"Biff Bam Kerplunk Kaplow Gabba Gabba Hey! Millar and Paramount to Boffo Box Office Biz with Staples! Zowee!"

In a related note, no, I do not have any idea what Variety headlines mean either. I just sort of shrug and move on.

When reached for comment, it took the usually hyper-huckster Millar a few moments to rev his engines.

"I just... you know, I am quite fond of money and everything. It's great. But... seriously, I got a grocery list optioned?

Millar went on to talk about a comics version of the property, much like a death row inmate talks about their execution.

"Wow. Guess I'll have to do one of those. And I thought I was pushing it by doing a sequel to Chosen! I... I guess I need to do a comic about my grocery list now? Really? Wow. I... I guess I'll see if one of the gobsmackingly amazing artists in my rolodex will do it."

From there Millar perked up considerably.

"I know! I'll call Steve Dillon! I mean, it surely can't be a bigger waste of him than Wolverine: Origins was!"

And then from there he went on to talk about how this comic would cure cancer and aids and bail America out of its financial crisis. And, I mean, I just don't want to quote that.

Item- Marvel and DC Take Exclusive Deals Farther
Now literally own Bendis, Morrison's asses (and testicles, and other various and sundry body parts)

Marvel and DC Comics issued joint statements today announcing how they had each upped the ante when it came to the comic book creator arms race that doesn't actually exist at all.

"Marvel is proud to announce that we have bound the souls of Brian Michael Bendis, Ed Brubaker, Sean Phillips, Matt Fraction, Stuart Immonen, the Spider-Man brain trust, John Romita Jr., Michael Lark, and, for some reason, Daniel Way, to Marvel Comics for all eternity," Joe Quesada said in a press realease reprinted in its entirety, without comment of any kind, on Newsarama.com earlier today.

"We'd like to thank Avi Arad and his contact in the dark arts, Yondu, the Wizard of the Fourth Dimension, for facilitating this deal. Well, and all the virgins whom we had to sacrifice. To be fair, what were all of those people we abducted from Comic Con going to do with their lives anyway? I mean, hey, they helped out Marvel Comics; that was probably their life's aspiration any way," Quesada added. No one could really disagree on that last point.

At a panel discussion at the Bakersfield Comic Con and Tractor Supply Show, all of the creators assured fans they were quite happy with the deal, in spite of the whole forfeiting their immortal souls for slightly better page rates and dental for all eternity.

"Our families lives depend on it," Brubaker said, grinning uncomfortably.

"To be fair, this has pretty much been my deal since I moved Powers to Icon, I just didn't want to give that glory whore Yondu much attention," Bendis added.

"Seriously, how do I keep getting so much work," Daniel Way went on to say. "Has anyone liked anything I've written ever for Marvel?"

Matt Fraction mentioned how the deal affected his creator owned series, Casanova.

"I'm moving it to Icon. Now, Marvel obviously allows me a ton of creative freedom, much like the other Icon writers, but I still think Wolverine's gonna show up a lot. Let's just say Yondu has a homosexual fixation on him and leave it at that."

Moments later, Fraction was vaporized in a flash of lightning. That made for a really awkward few moments where no one else said anything, for fear of invoking the wrath of the suddenly omnipotent funny book powerbroker.

However, Quesada did make it a point to reassure people that, in spite of his untimely passing, Fraction did have enough scripts in the can for Invincible Iron Man to continue until its inevitable cancellation before all of the creators were marched out of the auditorium the panel was held in, led at gun point by the ape-like homunculi that serve as Yondu's personal servants.

"I didn't even get a chance to tell Quesada how much of a terrible person he is for ruining Spider-Man, and ask why he hates Spider-Man so much, and I pretty much just really want to talk about how much I hate all these Spider-Man comics I continue to buy," an irate fan said.

When asked what he thought of Fraction's shocking end, he said this.

"Who cares about that? I have important things to discuss, like Spider-Man's fictional marriage!"

Not to be outdone, DC announced that they had similarly locked up their most prolific creators for eternity.

"Grant Morrison did some magic; I'm sorry, magick. So, yeah, we pretty much own him, Johns, Giffen, Rucka, and Waid now. All the 52 architects," Dan Didio said in a press confrence. I mean, I'm using magic/k to explain this thing, so even a comics company holding a press confrence is plausible, right?

When asked for details on what kind of magick Morrison used, exactly, he said this:

"At this point, explaining anything Grant does requries me to link to annotations done by really literate fans, and I just do not like validating those peoples' existence at all. Big ups to Doug Wolk for blogging about our good weekly comic, though!"

When asked how this arrangement affected Mark Waid's job at Boom! Studios, Didio said the following:

"What in the who now? Boom whatsits? I have no idea what that is."

Then Morrison appeared, wearing his trademark sunglasses, Dr. Strange's cloak of levitation, and a codpiece. And that was it. He cast a teleportation spell that shunted Dido back to the pocket universe where he resides, and took to the podium to make a statement.

"First of all, the next person who complains about the accessibility of my comics on the interent gets shunted off in to Didio's pocket universe and is left to his cruel devices. I mean, that mainly involves going to karaoke with him, but you do not know agony until you have heard him sing 'All By My Self'."

"Secondly," he continued, "I'm challenging that punk ass Yondu to a wizard off! As this realm's new supreme conduit of sigil based imagiknighthood, I will not stand for his inferior brand of magicking!"

As we all know from high school civics, wizard offs are serious business that can fundamentally alter reality. The infamous 1965 encounter between Paul McCartney and Richard Nixon erased the eighth continent, Versimilitudeland, from all known records. Even the minor skirmish between Sting the pop star and Sting the wrestler led to the New York Mets collapse and According to Jim's continued existence, among other minor but fairly horrible things.

CBR asked noted magick enthusiast Alan Moore for his opinion on this epic conflict. Unfortunately, he didn't care for the way we phrased the question, so he refuses to have any further conflict with the site and all mentions of his name scoured from it. He did, however, appreciate one thing about the interview.

"At least it wasn't another question about that bloody Watchmen movie," he said.

Robert Kirkman also weighed in on the story.

"I told you everyone needs to start doing creator owned work! It's all fun and games until Yondu and Morrison and magik offs! This is why Warren Ellis needs to stop doing work that pays in advance all together and focus on finding new ways to re-work Transmetropolitan at Avatar full time!"

The fact that Mr. Kirkman gave this statement on a street corner while he was wearing a sandwhich board with "The End is Nigh" written on it was a little strange, but hey, comics loves eccentrics!

Brian Cronin Doesn't Love You, He Just Wants You To Read His Daily Content

It's not personal. It's just that that his robot brain is incapable of love. Really, anything beyond Urban Legends and things that his programming identifies as lame or irksome escape him. The Bob Dylan obsession? That's sentient. Because not even the maddest scientist would program a robot to love Bob Dylan. I'm not telling you anything you shouldn't already know, though, am I?

13 Comments

• At October 5, 2008, Goh Mifune wrote:

  Nice!

• At October 5, 2008, Randy wrote:

  I liked the Moore and morrison annotation comment. So true.

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  "InadverTENTly". Ramen is ethnic food? No, it's broke-motherfucker food. Yondu is one of the original Guardians of the Galaxy, Mr. ...

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  Well, I also don't hate Ghost Rider. Marvel magic characters don't rub me raw as DC ones do. DC relies ...

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  I don't hate Zatanna in the fishnets, but every other DC magic character, hate, hate, hate.

• At October 5, 2008, plok wrote:

  R.J. Sterling Twitter must be the best Twitter ever! Awesome! It's the "no, wait" that gets me.

  Where is ...

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  Hah? What's a Twitter and why are you calling me it? Are you pulling my leg? Or should I be ...

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  I'm just bored. I had naught to do tonight other than this and reread an Elmore Leonard novel and watch ...

• At October 5, 2008, Dave wrote:

  You know, for all the shit he gets, I actually really did enjoy Daniel Way's writing on Bullseye's Greatest Hits ...

• At October 5, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  By the way, a better word for "ape-like" is "pithecoid".

• At October 5, 2008, plok wrote:

  I found your comments entertaining, R.J. Sterling! No leg-pulling intended.

• At October 6, 2008, R. J. Sterling wrote:

  Oh, okay. Glad I could entertain.

• At October 6, 2008, Agent_Torpor wrote:

  Millar's getting a big fat Hollywood-inflated head.

  Besides, the "Wanted" movie blew all sorts of pimply ass.

50%- DC Completists who buy all the comics related to their big events no matter what

"This applies to pretty much all of our books, though," DC's Chief Executive Guy of Unbelievable Importance* Dan Didio said.

"Our diehard fans will pretty much buy anything we put out that's tied in to the epic we've been weaving through the fabric of the DC Universe these last few years to create a rich tapestry," Didio went on to say. "Even comics we're just publishing to insult them," he exclaimed, referring to controversial stories like All Star Batman and Robin, the Black Canary/Green Arrow Wedding Special, and the upcoming Countdown To Hey, Hardcore DC Fans: You Are Really Dumb and Ugly, And You Also Most Likely Smell Terrible maxi-series.

Didio went on to add even more shockingly honest, yet also completely unsolicited and unneccessary candor about his company's fanbase.

"Deep in my heart of hearts, I hate these people and their mindless consumerism. They cheapen every attempt at doing something meaningful in this medium. They are awful, awful people. I loathe them."

Didio then realized that he was talking about the people who support his company ardently and whose support of his current direction for DC are the only thing keeping him from going back to his old life as Bob Dylan's personal harmonica washer**, looked around nervously for a moment, emmitted what was either a really forced laugh or a soft scream, and then said "I mean, the people who are like that with Marvel! I hate them with a passion! Our fans are the salt of the Earth! I mean, they at least have the patience of a saint to stay with this turd in hopes it will get good some day!" And then he nervously said he had to go to the bathroom and ran out of the room. He never came back. Must've had Thai food the night before.

15%- People who obsessed with the idea of Countdowns who compulsively buy anything featuring them

This is a serious medical problem that DC decided to exploit by naming the series this instead of going with the original title, 52 Weeks of setup for the next story, which will also probably be setup for something else, which, while accurate, was deemed to long a title to be commerically viable. Or fit on a cover. "I mean, the mock up alone killed five graphic designers," Bob Wayne said. "Thankfully, they were juust Indians. Oustourcing rules!"

In a related story, whoever's in charge of Virgin Comics was really angry to learn they didn't have a monopoly on Indian people in comics.

10%- Bloggers who buy it to make fun of it

Didio ran back in from the bathroom. I know I said he didn't come back, just go with it; it should be patently obvious by now that I make this stuff up as I go along.

Anyway, Didio ran back in with his pants around his ankles to say clarify something.

"You know how I said I hate our fans-- I mean Marvel's? I hate bloggers and their 'snark' more. It's the lowest form of wit. And they're lowest form of human beings. That said, I'm still going to send the more prominent ones comp copies of random first issues. Also, on a somewhat related note, I hate the Snorks. I'm going to see if Geoff can have Black Adam disembowel them in the next story arc of JSA. Holy crap, I have real anger issues," the pantsless Didio said before leaving again.

15%- People who always wanted to like Mary Marvel, but thought she wasn't slutty enough

"It's always nice to be able to help people realize their dreams," head Countdown writer Paul Dini said, adding "um, my being involved in all of this doesn't invalidate my work on Batman: the Animated Series, does it?***"

9%- People who want to support the weekly comic, and are at least glad that this one isn't a black and white Chuck Austen comic.

1%- People who genuinely enjoy the series. And by 1%, I mean one person. And not this guy.

"Don't look at me," that guy said.

The indentity and whereabouts of this sole happy reader are unknown, but authroities advise the public to be on the lookout. He (because, come one, statistically it can't be a she) may be armed, dangerous, and without a doubt has terrible taste in comic.

"Whatever you do," Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary and head of the Good Comics Taskforce, Joe McCullough, issued the following statement:

Whatever you do, if this person reccomends Spawn/Wild C.A.T.S to you, don't read it, just call the police!

He went on to talk a whole lot about manga. Like, for an hour. You don't need to read any of that.

53 Comments

• At November 3, 2007, The Mutt wrote:

  If only it had Wolverine on the cover!

• At November 3, 2007, Denn wrote:

  U.S. Warmachine was pretty good. I'd rather read 52 issues of that then Countdown.

• At November 3, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  So many asterisks, and no footnotes!

  You tease!

• At November 3, 2007, Keith Moriarty wrote:

  Nice one. I love how some people are treating the current issue, apparently just a synopsis of what's come before, ...

• At November 3, 2007, Tim Callahan wrote:

  The latest issue is probably the best issue of the series, and you're write KM, it's literally just exposition, getting ...

• At November 3, 2007, Sean Whitmore wrote:

  Brad, have you ever considered doing a full-blown parody site like the Onion? You should.

  Mainly because I've always wanted to ...

• At November 3, 2007, Anthony Strand wrote:

  People are saying the new Countdown was good? Really?!

  It just might be the worst comic book I've ever read. ...

• At November 3, 2007, Freeform2 wrote:

  Yeah, I never understood why there's a Monitor for each universe... Before the First Crisis, when there were infinite universes ...

• At November 3, 2007, Jog wrote:

  Sadly, my federal funding for paragraph breaks didn't go through until early 2006...

  (also, it's 'och' instead of 'ough')

• At November 3, 2007, Jason wrote:

  I bought most of the series last week at 50 cents per issue. I feel it's good as a companion ...

• At November 3, 2007, Lothor wrote:

  The indentity and whereabouts of this sole happy reader...

  This is a very minor point, but I've been seeing the word ...

• At November 3, 2007, TheSeaKing wrote:

  When 52 came out I was thinking, "Wow, this was a cool idea.. and they're pretty good at making it ...

• At November 3, 2007, T. wrote:

  Didio went on to add even more shockingly honest, yet also completely unsolicited and unneccessary candor about his company’s fanbase.

  “Deep ...

• At November 4, 2007, red-Ricky wrote:

  I don't know.

  I think that 1%; and by 1%, I mean that ONE GUY who you say "genuinely enjoys the ...

• At November 4, 2007, Jesse wrote:

  T,

  I don't think he's actually saying that. It seemed to me as more along the lines of just another ...

• At November 4, 2007, T. wrote:

  Jesse,

  What I got from it was that Didio hates DC's fans because they keep keep the company from doing meaningful ...

• At November 4, 2007, Jay wrote:

  If you're not going to be funny, just write a critical essay about Countdown. This was terrible.

• At November 4, 2007, John Seavey wrote:

  Hey! What's wrong with 'Spawn/WildCATs'? I loved that series! Yes, it's Alan Moore slumming it, but it's still Alan Moore! ...

• At November 4, 2007, Dilly wrote:

  I don't get why Didio gets pegged as the bad guy here nor why Quesada gets it either. We are ...

• At November 4, 2007, thekamisama wrote:

  Send the bum back to children's animation, just keep him away from Transformers! I still have Beast Machines flashbacks... the ...

• At November 4, 2007, km wrote:

  Brad, have you ever considered doing a full-blown parody site like the Onion? You should.

  At the least, I think his ...

• At November 4, 2007, garbonzo wrote:

  I fully intend to pick up every issue of Countdown...from the quarter bin. We have a comic book show ...

• At November 4, 2007, Ye Olde Iowa wrote:

  Maybe it's just me, but this just seems mean spirited. I get it, you don't like Countdown. I ...

• At November 4, 2007, Mullon wrote:

  Still doesn't seem as stupid or messy as House of M or Civil War were.

• At November 4, 2007, T. wrote:

  I don’t get why Didio gets pegged as the bad guy here nor why Quesada gets it either. We are ...

• At November 4, 2007, T. wrote:

  Still doesn’t seem as stupid or messy as House of M or Civil War were.

  Whether I liked them or not, ...

• At November 4, 2007, Mike D wrote:

  That "one guy" who liked Countdown has now dropped the series. So all your numbers have just increased by ...

• At November 4, 2007, Alan Coil wrote:

  Well, that was a complete waste of time.

  And you mis-capitalized DiDio.

• At November 4, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  Not to mention, 52 is a surefire sign that he does want to further the medium with experimental and meaningful ...

• At November 4, 2007, Anonymous wrote:

  To the people who seem to be taking this post very seriously- you get it's a joke, right? I mean, ...

• At November 4, 2007, Rohan Williams wrote:

  Stupid uni computers. Anonymous was me.

• At November 4, 2007, Anderson wrote:

  What about World War Hulk? Nothing happens there too...

  Worst of all? the monthly Hulk series: one issue recaping Rick Jones ...

• At November 4, 2007, Ye Olde Iowa wrote:

  I think that 52 was experimental in that, while the weekly gig isn't new, promising that it will be a ...

• At November 4, 2007, MarkAndrew wrote:

  A... decent round-up, but I think you're missing a few key demographic groups:\

  (1) People who can't read the letter ...

• At November 4, 2007, Ian wrote:

  Wouldn't 1% be more like 800-900 people?

• At November 4, 2007, Michael wrote:

  52 is experimental only if you've never heard of 2000 AD.

  And regardless of what 52 was or was not, Countdown ...

• At November 4, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  Having your most popular writers work together is not experimental. Jumping ahead in time and creating a mini-series to cover ...

• At November 5, 2007, Anthony Strand wrote:

  MarkAndrew - Funny comment. But when you say Bruce Timm, don't you mean Paul Dini?

• At November 5, 2007, joshschr wrote:

  I was in the second 15%. Woohoo, I'm part of a demographic!

• At November 5, 2007, Barry wrote:

  I can't say that Countdown is the best thing I've ever read, but I can't say it's the worst either. ...

• At November 5, 2007, Billy Ray wrote:

  IMHO, the real experiment of 52 was to show a DC universe without the "Big Three" of Supes, Bats & ...

• At November 5, 2007, joshschr wrote:

  I think the most offensive thing about Countdown is that DC took the idea behind 52 and stoked it to ...

• At November 5, 2007, km wrote:

  It seems to me that all you are doing is critisizing people who have different tastes than you, and that ...

• At November 5, 2007, Thenodrin wrote:

  I thought that DC's first experiment at a weekly title was back in the 90s when they gave the five ...

• At November 5, 2007, MarkAndrew wrote:

  MarkAndrew - Funny comment. But when you say Bruce Timm, don’t you mean Paul Dini?

  ... possibly.

• At November 5, 2007, T. wrote:

  DC also had a comic in the 80s, Action Comics Weekly. I think that may have been their actual ...

• At November 5, 2007, lauren wrote:

  did anyone notice the asterisks? Shouldn't they lead to something else, like a comment?

• At November 6, 2007, Ian wrote:

  The asteriks lead to a special folder where all of the writer's FUNNY jokes are. The contents of that ...

• At November 6, 2007, Jono11 wrote:

  Thank you, Jason, Iowa, and Mullon. Rare voices of reason amid a forest of herd-mentality haters of whatever it's ...

• At November 6, 2007, Michael wrote:

  Keep it up, guys. I've almost got Bingo.

• At November 8, 2007, Joel Bryan wrote:

  The link where there was a little URL with the words "countdown" and then "labels/crap" cracked me up but this ...

• At February 23, 2008, Tramadol. wrote:

  Tramadol.

  Tramadol.

• At July 18, 2008, captaincookscasino wrote:

  captaincookscasino...

  rehearsals!yelped,boycott Toland viciously ...

Harvey Pekar was the first prominent member of the self publishing community (even if he just had a mini-series released under the Vertigo banner and most of his books seem to be released by "real" book publishers; just go with it) to announce his intentions to cash in.

"Me and Crumb saw all these guys like Groth over at Fantagraphics and those Frenchies from D&Q cashin' in," the former champion of naturalism and observations of the mundane said from the his newly acquired palatial mansion. "So, we decided ta get on that gravy train."

With that in mind, Pekar announced the subject of his next collaboration with the Underground Comix king and counter culture icon; a graphic novel based on the video game Halo, whose latest (and final) sequel will be released at midnight tonight. Not that I pre-ordered it or anything.

"Video games are all the rage these days. Comics are the past. I'm sure me an' Crumb lost all the youth readers Splendor used to get 'cuz they would rather play those damn things" Pekar continued. "I'm just hopin' this works as a spring board in to the game industry. I have this great idea for an American Splendor MMORPG where you just wander around a virtual Cleaveland and make wry and occasionally poignant observations about everyday life."

"There might also be some ogres or somethin," Pekar added. "It's just an idea right now."

It's one thing that Pekar would be attached to such a book, but what about the famously misanthropic Crumb?

"It's true, I hate most everything and everyone," the legendary cartoonist said. "One thing I do like is pwning n00bs on Xbox Live, though. My gamer tag is RCRUMBSAIYAN316; let's play capture the flag some time!"

Crumb went on to go in to deep detail about his obsession with women with large asses. But I won't quote any of that.

Everyone's favorite mysognistic hermit from the Great White North, Dave Sim, has also thrown his hat in the sell out ring.

"Even though I no longer own a TV or Radio, and spend all my time reading the Bible and ignoring my penis, I still love High School Musical. So I'm coming out of retirement to do an adaptation of that," Sim said. Then he went on to say horrible things about that one actress from that movie who has the naked pictures circulating around the 'net. I won't quote that either.

Chris Ware defended his own entry in to the licensed comic field.

"I just always wanted to do a morose, ornate version of ROM, okay? I would have sold out sooner had Marvel not lost the license. As it was, I had to win it at a silent auction at Parker Bros. HQ. It only cost $12, but still; I was going antiquing with my wife that day, and it really ate in to time I could have spent looking for grandfather clocks."

Then he went in to detail about antqiues. I would quote that, but I fell asleep midway through the ordeal. Just like Jimmy Corrigan! Take that, literary masterpiece of the comics medium. Nah, I'm kidding.

art spiegelman was, as usual, the trendsetter in the alt-comics world.

"Dude, I used to do the art for Garbage Pale Kids trading cards at Topps," spiegelman said from his New York loft. "I sold out way before the rest of these guys. Also, I ghost-pencilled Spawn for three years. It was part of an elaborate gag Todd McFarlane and I concocted. He drew years worth of New Yorker covers for me. It was hilarious."

When asked for comment, all McFarlane had to say was "Hey, you want some toys? You can't play with them, but they look really cool." That is literally all Todd McFarlane can say that is not about record setting home run balls or Marvel being like a plantation. I'm serious; try to talk to him sometime and see what happens.

5 Comments

• At September 24, 2007, Freeform2 wrote:

  Oh, man...

  That's hilarious!

  I guess it's time to sell my Signed Maus books on E-bay!

• At September 24, 2007, Jon H wrote:

  I heard Dave Sim was going to be working on sincere new comics for Rachel Ray and the Lifetime channel.

• At September 24, 2007, yo go re wrote:

  I rethpect your rethtraint, in not thtooping tho low ath to tranthcribe Todd'th truly humorouthth little lithp...

• At September 25, 2007, Journalista - the news weblog of The Comics Journal » Blog Archive » Sept. 25, 2007: A comic that no longer makes any sense wrote:

  [...] “Even though I no longer own a TV or Radio, and spend all my time reading the Bible and ...

• At September 25, 2007, Brian Cronin wrote:

  Did you get the latest Firefox? Good man.

  This one was even better than the last one, which is really hard ...

Comics Should Be Good has just learned that all of the independent comic book companies associated with artistic integrity and the literary comic book movement (Fantagraphics, Drawn and Quarterly, Top Shelf, and Alternative Comics) are announcing officially that they have sold out and no longer care about pushing comics forwards.*

"Yeah, all we care about is cash now," Gary Groth, Fantagraphics Impressario said in a press release. "All that artistic integrity stuff was fine and good when I was in the middle of a feud with Harlan Ellison, but now that that's over, I'm tired of the charade. That's why I feel confident in announcing that we're cancelling all of our original, creator owned series and replacing them with 80s toy license comics," a license which Fantagraphics purchased from IDW "for some bootleg copies of old Hammer horror films, a doodle R. Crumb did on a napkin, and one of the Hernandez Bros. cousins, Chuey, I think his name is," Groth said.

"Look, I love Eightball, but Dan Clowes is just too slow in coming out with it, so we're putting him on Bumblebee Adventures, giving him eight inkers, and making him follow Howard Mackie's scripts to the letter. I mean, some Clowes is better than none, right," Groth added.

"We're having money for dinner," Kim Thompson added enthusiastically, while running around wearing a pirate hat made of money and sporting his new diamond crusted teeth.

When asked what this would do to their series of classic reprints, Groth went on to say that "We will continue to publish Peanuts books, but we've decided to fire Seth as the cover designer and bring in some people with more mainstream flair. So, starting with the next volume, get ready for Michael Turner's totally hot version of Lucy, Alex Ross's majestic version of Charlie Brown, and a special hologram variant cover of Snoopy as the Red Baron!"

The other companies, who always just copy Fantagraphics anyway, quickly followed suit. I would quote them, but D&Q's statement was in French, and CBSG has a strict Francophobia. I think they've got Adrian Tomine doing a Micronauts revival, except they're all mopey and hang out in San Francisco or something. Top Shelf's was mostly about how awesome it will be to have Jeffrey Brown drawing a How I Met Your Mother serial for their Giant Size CBS Monday Night Comedy Line Up anthology, which will also include a must read Alan Moore/Eddie Campbell version of Two and a Half Men where Charlie Sheen's character is eaten by a snake and Jon Cryer talks about magik a lot. There's also going to be an Owly/Dora the Explorer team up book for Burgas to hate. And, really, not even Alternative Comics cares what they're doing, so I won't bother telling you about how they somehow have Evan Dorkin writing an American Pie tie-in. I don't know why either, but hey, it worked with Bill and Ted.

This development shockingly leaves Image Comics as the only comic book company committed to original, creator owned comics, without any licensed books.

"We're just as suprised as everyone else," Image Publisher Erik Larson said.

Meanwhile, Boom! Studios' new editor-in-chief Mark Waid was his usual staid self.

"I told you! I told you Fantagraphics were just as bad as the rest of the comic book industry! It only took 15 years after they finally canceled Amazing Heroes for me to be proven right! Kurt Busiek owes me ten dollars!"

Kurt Busiek declined comment, except to say that "Busiek wins; how hard is that to figure out, Waid?" before going off to try and make Superman tie in to Amazons Attack, 52, Countdown, Final Crisis, and, for some reason, Genesis.

Looking for reactions from the blogosphere was fruitless. Good comics retailing champion Alex Cox said he was too busy throwing gasoline all over his store, for some odd reason, to comment. Noted comics activist Alan David Doane, when asked for comment, said he was too busy trying to find some rope and a high tree to talk right now, but that we'd all be sorry. Joe Rice, of World of Awesome, took out his agression and sorrow on his class of adorable inner city students. He's looking at 10 to life. Ed Cunard just disappeared in a flash of smoke. Dirk Deppey's blog crashed from the irony. He was last seen heading towards the Mexican border with a crate of semi-automatic machine guns and enough whiskey to inebriate a horse. Tom Spurgeon has decided to become the world's greatest journalist covering other niche artforms, like origami and airbrush van art. Milo George just didn't care.

As an aside, Johannah Draper Carlson objected to the phallocentric, sexist, and misogynistic nature of the previous list of art comics friendly bloggers. But then again, she does that with every list, so that's lost all meaning. She then went back to arguing with the When Fangirls Attacks lobby about whether or not it's stupid to try to eliminate sexism in superhero comics.

In fact, the only blogger who could be reached for comment who might care was Dick Hyacinth, who said the following.

"My blog's just going to be about Mixed Martial Arts and critical studies of Rob Liefeld comics now, I think."

*Comics with a "-cs" not an "-x", because I am not talking about underground comics and am not a dork. About this.

22 Comments

• At September 19, 2007, Chris wrote:

  Good one, although all kidding aside, I kind of want to see that Alex Ross Charlie Brown. It could be ...

• At September 19, 2007, avengers63 wrote:

  Watch it. Groth will sue you next for defamation of character

• At September 19, 2007, tyler wrote:

  Well crap. Now I will never be able to rest until I see Alex Ross' Peanuts.

• At September 19, 2007, Andrew Collins wrote:

  avengers63 said:

  "Watch it. Groth will sue you next for defamation of character"

  And somehow, someway...so will Harlan Ellison.

• At September 19, 2007, Anthony Strand wrote:

  Good piece. The Turner/Ross Peanuts is definitely a horrible, frightening highlight.

  It's gotta be Ed Benes drawing Peppermint Patty & Marcie.

• At September 19, 2007, mmaeverything » Broken News: Indie Publishers Sell Out. All of them. wrote:

  [...] Twin Cities Martial Arts Blog - Kuk Sool Won of St Paul wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a ...

• At September 19, 2007, Mullon wrote:

  It's about damn time.

• At September 19, 2007, Dick Hyacinth wrote:

  Good god, this post got picked up by an MMA splog? Just because I'm more excited about Thiago Tavares ...

• At September 19, 2007, Brian Cronin wrote:

  Good god, this post got picked up by an MMA splog? Just because I’m more excited about Thiago Tavares vs. ...

• At September 19, 2007, Will wrote:

  Well, hey, Paul O'Brien of the X-Axis (the site that tells all good X-Men geeks how to think) divides his ...

• At September 19, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  This is one of the funiiest things you've ever written, Brad. I really loved it.

  And now I kind of want ...

• At September 19, 2007, layne wrote:

  This is 17 years too late, Eros started publishing in 1990.

• At September 19, 2007, Michael wrote:

  It's telling that, of all this, the part I found most offensive was "Snoopy as the Red Baron."

• At September 19, 2007, yo go re wrote:

  If 80s toy comics are good enough for Jeffrey Brown, shouldn't they be good enough for you?

• At September 19, 2007, km wrote:

  [giggle]. Nicely done, Brad. Add me to the list of people who now really, really want to see that Peanuts ...

• At September 19, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  If 80s toy comics are good enough for Jeffrey Brown, shouldn’t they be good enough for you?

  Nah, I don't restrict ...

• At September 20, 2007, Journalista - the news weblog of The Comics Journal » Blog Archive » Sept. 20, 2007: The hero who feels sorry for himself wrote:

  [...] [Snark] Indie publishers sell out. All of them: [...]

• At September 20, 2007, Brian Cronin wrote:

  Great stuff, Brad.

  Now just get the latest version of Firefox, already!!

• At September 20, 2007, Grant wrote:

  The sad thing is, I'd probably buy that Owly/Dora the Explorer crossover. For my kids, yeah.

• At September 24, 2007, Comics Should Be Good! » Even More Broken News: Self Publishers Sell Out, Too wrote:

  [...] Following on the heels of this Earth-Shattering, if not particularly well proof read, announcement, word has just come in to ...

• At September 28, 2007, Mongo Nicholl wrote:

  I fucking hate the Micronauts. Why? Because I love the characters but the storyline is stale toe-cheese. It's something that ...

• At November 21, 2007, Cash Advance wrote:

  Mainland Cash Advance Review Cash Advance Loan Provider - Notably short term loan experts assist positive advices on Cash Advance ...

"To be honest, I just couldn't make heads or tails of it," Morrison said. "I think it was all just gibberish. Weirdness for weirdness's sake, you know? I mean, there were some nice ideas, but I just don't think it was much of a story. I mean, Elliot Maggin did this kind of stuff much better in half the space Frank and I are taking."

"I mean," he continued "did I really need to take two issues for a Bizarro World story? And did those two issues need to take so long? With Batman running late too? I am such a prima-donna! I'm really killing the comics industry," he said, without a hint of irony. "I should buckle down and hit my deadlines more, even if it means sacking Frank (Quitely) in favor of Tom Grinderburg or Ron Wilson."

Morrison went on to further savage his long time collaborative partner.

"And another thing! I just realized that all of Frank's critics were totally right. He really does suck! He should learn to draw more like a real comics artist, a Mike Turner, a Greg Land, or a similar craftsman. I just don't think his Lois Lane shows enough thong, you know? And he has not once directly traced a layout from an old Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. What the hell is he doing during all that time it takes to get an issue out, growing roses?" Then there was some screed about Latina hookers, Christopher Reeve being a pussy, and how we should all buy full runs of Lab Rats and masturbate on them. It was weird.

When John Byrne was contacted and asked why he was impersonating Grant Morrison, he sent an invective filled letter about the aforementioned topics . I could go in to more, but I just came up with the Byrne impersonating Morrison angle, and I'm just gonna plow ahead with the other jokes I had planned and kind of ignore it.

Anyway, Morrison's scathing review led to an agry rebuttle from his fan base.

"Morrison is an idiot for not appreciating the greatness of Morrison," blogger Joe Rice said. "He is a total fucking idiot with objectively bad taste."

"If Grant Morrison can't see how great his work with Frank Quitely, he must be retarded or something," Alex Cox, proprietor of Rocketship and avowed Morrison fan/mental capacity evaluator added.

Scientists argue that if this kind of criticism of Morrison's criticism of his work continues, the world could implode via a series of events that can only be described in fiddly technobabble that sounds cool but may or may not be utter bullshit, eventually causing a giant black hole of irony to consume all life in its path.

"That thing about only being describe it via fiddly technobabble? That's feeding the irony blackhole. It's all kind of confusing, but there are some cool ideas in there," a scientist said.**

Morrison's critics of his criticism of himself are unswayed, however.

"I don't care if it brings about the end of the world," Rice said. "If I can't berate people for not sharing my taste, how can life possibly be worth living anyway?"

*- Well, everyone else thinks we are, right?
**- I assume he was a scientist. He had a labcoat and a beaker. He could have just been a vagrant or one of those scientist impersonators. Or a mass hallucination.

25 Comments

• At July 13, 2007, Bret wrote:

  So, what's Ellis got to say about it?

• At July 13, 2007, Tim Callahan wrote:

  In other Brit-comic news, as word of the upcoming Watchmen movie spread across the Atlantic, Alan Moore threatened to remove ...

• At July 13, 2007, MDV wrote:

  That was pretty funny, but I thought it would be even funnier if Morrison fans had been caught in the ...

• At July 13, 2007, rooker20 wrote:

  Ellis was too busy raping Speedball to comment.

• At July 13, 2007, Lothor wrote:

  It was probably a scientitian.

• At July 14, 2007, Patent Dragon wrote:

  Excuse me, but I'd just like to say that I've never bought into the "Grant Morrison is God" crap. I ...

• At July 14, 2007, Nitz the Bloody wrote:

  Very clever article, Mr. Curran. Another good article title would have been " Alternate Universe Where Grant Morrison Is Held ...

• At July 14, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  I know, man. Nobody cool EVER drinks alcohol.

  You're the real hero, Patent Dragon, for refusing to be swayed by things ...

• At July 14, 2007, Patent Dragon wrote:

  Huh...?

• At July 14, 2007, km wrote:

  It's OK. Apodaca just has a congenital inability to not take things seriously.

  Cute article, Brad.

• At July 14, 2007, Mullon wrote:

  Now I'm confused about who is being serious and who is being ironic here.

  On the one hand, it did seem ...

• At July 14, 2007, Prankster wrote:

  This comment thread is getting almost as confusing as Bizarro Sarcasm.

• At July 14, 2007, ATOM HOTEP wrote:

  Man, I sure hope at least one person in this comments section is kidding.

• At July 14, 2007, Lothor wrote:

  My bad re the quote thing. Sorry.

• At July 14, 2007, bryan wrote:

  Hilarious!

• At July 15, 2007, Ben Herman wrote:

  Um, wait, it's mid-July, not April 1st. I'm so confused!

• At July 15, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  It’s OK. Apodaca just has a congenital inability to not take things seriously.

  Just goes to show you don't know me ...

• At July 15, 2007, km wrote:

  My apologies to all concerned. Fools rushing in, and all that...

• At July 16, 2007, Patent Dragon wrote:

  Thing is, I never ACTUALLY criticised Morrison's WORK. The only time I mentioned it (We3), I said I enjoyed it. ...

• At July 16, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  Alcohol can, unfortunately, make apparently balanced people into idiots, and that I have a problem with, with good reason.

  Nah, see ...

• At July 16, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  Thing is, I never ACTUALLY criticised Morrison’s WORK.

  And that was exactly why I felt the need to respond. It seemed ...

• At July 16, 2007, Pól Rua wrote:

  Whatever Ellis' response, you can be sure it contains the word 'shiteyes'.

  I think he signs his personal letters with that ...

• At July 17, 2007, Acidhag wrote:

  Ellis = one part Hunter Thompson, reduced to surface elements then watered-down; add ideas already introduced by better Brits; mix ...

• At July 17, 2007, DanCJ wrote:

  I'm with Apodaca on this one. For my tastes Morrison's work ranges from incomprehensible through to comprehensible but boring ...

• At July 17, 2007, Patent Dragon wrote:

  If you ever seen the man, buy him a drink and tell him it's from me. No hard feelings.

In an unprecedented joint statement, Joe Quesada, Editor in Chief of Marvel Comics, and Dan Didio, who does pretty much the same job but with a longer, dumber title at DC, admitted that their last three years of publishing were one elaborate practical joke on the comics reading public.

"It started out harmlessly, as these things usually do," Quesada said in the statement, referring to the innocent game of Connect Four between Jack Kirby and Jim Shooter at the San Diego Comic Con at 1984 that eventually led to the Kirby original art controversy.

"Dan and I were hanging out in the bar of the hotel we were staying at during San Diego, and as the comp drinks piled up, the germ of the idea for this whole thing started to come to fruition," Quesada said.

"Over the course of the weekend, and way too many comp drinks from freelancers desperate for work, we concocted some crazy ideas," Didio added. "At first, we were just screwing around, but as the weekend wore on, we came to the realization that we might be able to pull this thing off. Mind you, we were really, really drunk."

"Like two Dean Martins locked in a whiskey factory," Quesada added.

Didio said that things really got moving when Geoff Johns and Mark Millar joined them in the bar.

"Geoff dared Mark that he could come up with the dumber company wide crossover. Once again, it seemed like harmless posturing, until he had one too many, and he double dog dared him," Didio said.

"As everyone with any knowledge of their culture knows, nothing is more serious to a Scottsman than the double dog dare," Quesada said. "You can ask Graeme McMillan, who was totally in on this joke, too."

"I was," McMillan said in his own press release. "I mean, really, did you all think that all of that great material for Fanboy Rampage just fell in to my lap?"

"Every time we announced a new project, we were planning on that being the last part of the joke," Didio said in the other press release. The first one. "But it just kept getting funnier. And selling better. That helped keep the suits happy."

"Unlike other comic publishing practical jokes, like the New Universe and Helix, this one just refused to be an utter financial failure, allowing it to keep going," Quesada said.

"We wanted to stop it many, many times, but it just kept selling, and all of the fans reactions (especially on my good friend Graeme's site) were just too priceless," Quesada said.
"At one point, we based our entire editorial policy, at both companies, on how angry we could make Jesse Baker," Didio said, referencing the infamous message board poster.

The talent involved were suprised by the gullibility of the comics reading public.

"I'm amazed that no one got that putting me on the Avengers was a gag," Brian Michael Bendis said. "I mean, me, Brian Michael Benids, who I am, the writer who is Brian Michael Bendis... Bendis? Yeah, Bendis. Really? Yes, Bendis. Who writes like that. Reptitively. And wordy. Very wordy and repetitive. On the Avengers. Come on! How could you all buy that?"

Greg Rucka had a similar reaction.

"It cracks me up that you guys all seem to think that I have an obsession with Renee Montoya, because really, I have to be reminded daily who she is. I had to tattoo it on my chest, like in Memento."

As many belly laughs as the two editorial directors and their creative accomplices got out of the joke, they both had epiphanies that made them realize they had gone too far.

"I was doing an interview with Wizard via confrence call, and when they asked me a question about the new Helmet of Dr. Fate ongoing, I just lost it," Didio said. "I broke down laughing and hung up on them. That gave them very little material to work with for their cover story on the DCU, but being Wizard, I'm sure they filled all that extra space with fart jokes and pictures of Jessica Alba."

Quesada's epiphany was a little different.

"I wanted to keep it going. I mean, this was the kind of thing Bill and I were going for during our entire tenure together! It was great. But then a freelancer who wasn't in on the joke seriously pitched me a "The Many Painful Deaths of Mary Jane Parker" 12 issue maxi series, and then I knew that we had gone too far."

That freelancer, Warren Ellis, said "It was worth a try. I wanted to build a gazeebo in my back yard," on his message board at his website the Engine. And in his Bad Signal newsletter. And, through his new, shockingly low tech medium, sky writing.

Industry analysts were shocked by the news for about fifteen minutes, before they could really think about it, and then they weren't.

"It makes a lot of sense, really," Brian Hibbs, of San Fransico's Comics Experience, said.

Message board posters were their usual subdued, thoughtful selves. Even one of the men whom the joke was chiefly played on, Jesse Baker, took it in stride. With a profane rant that can not be reprinted here.

Seriously. It can peel paint off walls.

28 Comments

• At January 10, 2007, Sean Whitmore wrote:

  Brilliant. Take a bow, Brad.

• At January 10, 2007, David Frankel wrote:

  Well done. Thank goodness April 1st is finally here; it was a long winter.

• At January 10, 2007, Adam Jones wrote:

  Wocka Wocka!

• At January 10, 2007, dave wrote:

  I WANT SO MUCH TO BELIEVE

• At January 10, 2007, m.h. wrote:

  Um...does this explain Civil War, The New Avengers, etc.? No wonder I haven't bought from Marvel in two years, ...

• At January 10, 2007, Jesse wrote:

  How dearly I wish this were true. I could read superhero comics again!

• At January 11, 2007, Dave wrote:

  I'm not the same Dave as the one who posted already, but I do feel the same way. Eerie.

• At January 11, 2007, John Seavey wrote:

  Heck, I'm just kicking myself for not having realized sooner. "Spider-Cancer"? How they managed that with a straight face, I ...

• At January 11, 2007, Jacob Munford wrote:

  You laugh now, but once all your favorite sky-writing becomes inhumanly British and starts spouting off ridiculous dialogue, we'll see ...

• At January 11, 2007, SallyP wrote:

  Hee hee, milk is coming out my nose! No seriously. It was very brave of Mr. Quesada and ...

• At January 11, 2007, Michael wrote:

  Well, I needed that.

• At January 11, 2007, Ian wrote:

  I'm not sure if I read the same thing that you guys did because I missed the funny part.

• At January 11, 2007, SanctumSanctorumComix wrote:

  It's funny because it could almost make sense of the last bunch of years.

  Or...is it SAD because it could almost ...

• At January 11, 2007, Black Lutefisk wrote:

  I agree with David; earlier April Fools Days are another sign of global warmning.

• At January 11, 2007, Ironman John wrote:

  This is the most ludicrous thing I've ever read. The only practical joke I perceive going on right now ...

• At January 11, 2007, Paperghost wrote:

  ...did you write this just for me? Did you? because if you did, you totally just reignited my desire to ...

• At January 11, 2007, Bry Kotyk wrote:

  I miss 2001.

• At January 11, 2007, J To The AAP wrote:

  OK, this post was fun, but really, was it that bad? There still were good comics too and was it ...

• At January 11, 2007, garbonzo wrote:

  Best. post. ever.

• At January 11, 2007, IronJedi wrote:

  Brad,

  You took "Use the Farce" to heart.

• At January 11, 2007, Mark wrote:

  Garbonzo beat me to "Best Post Ever." Why, it's the complete opposite of that Leon Spinks/She-Hulk crossover.

• At January 11, 2007, Ye Olde Iowa wrote:

  You know, maybe it was just me, but this sounds a bit too much like every whiney comment I've read ...

• At January 11, 2007, Apodaca wrote:

  This is the classic Curran we've all been waiting for.

• At January 11, 2007, tutubee wrote:

  Kinda pointless? And outside of the bit about Wizard and Jessica Alba pics, that wasn't really funny at all. :(

• At January 11, 2007, Rohan Williams wrote:

  There seems to be something vaguely metatextual about people bashing this post for 'ignoring the great books' that Marvel and ...

• At January 11, 2007, yo go re wrote:

  It always warms my heart a bit that the "Comic Should Be Good" crew always seem to hate the good ...

• At January 12, 2007, FunkyGreenJerusalem wrote:

  In Curran we Trust.

  "It always warms my heart a bit that the “Comic Should Be Good” crew always seem to ...

• At May 15, 2007, DARKMAN NEVA 4GET wrote:

  ITS ALL ABOUT MARVEL COMICS OK